Background+rant: I’m in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I’m not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to “grow up and leave the nest”.
Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I’m independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.
Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I’m living at home, like I’m admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I’m planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can’t help but feel like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.
Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I’m interested in seeing what others have to say.
It’s worth noting that the stigma is very much a cultural thing. There are cultures where it’s very normal for the kids to stay with the parents, even after they get married, with multiple generations under one roof.
You should 100% do what makes you and your family happy. If things change, you can make changes.
yeah my parents would be pretty upset if I left them unless demanded by job or something
Good thing is that them being upset doesn’t stop you from moving out if it’s better for you.
The stigma also doesn’t even correlate with any current numbers. The expectation to move out at a young age is the strongest in the USA where more young adults up to their early 30s are living with their parents than young Europeans do for example. I guess it‘s a remnant from the urban sprawl boom and the general mindset still needs some time to adapt to the current reality.
With how high housing prices are I’m starting to wonder if the whole stigma was dreamed up by real estate companies to increase demand. Wouldn’t be the first time a whole cultural norm was created for profit.
The idea of being “too old to live with parents” is a pretty recent phenomenon.
Multi-generational households were the standard for centuries. There’s a benefit, I think, for having parents, grandparents, and children in the house.
The children have the opportunity to learn from the grandparents.
The grandparents have the opportunity to help the parents by caring for the children.
The parents have the opportunity to assist the grandparents.
That being said, you couldn’t PAY me to live with my mother. ;)
So its optimistic? :3
opportunity
You keep using that word.
I think it means what he thinks it means
Yes, and?
The main quesiton is what you want long term. If you want to eventually move in with a romantic partner, I would advice you to get used to independent living beforehand. Having to cook for and clean up after a partner who never learned to live without mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off for most people and can sour a relationship very fast. I would ask you these questions:
Do you cook dinner for the household at least every week?
Do you clean the kitchen yourself after cooking?
Do you do the grocery shopping for the household?
Do you often tidy up the pots and pans after meals (not just your own plates and cutlery)?
Are you the one who takes a walk around the house putting away stray plates, glasses & clothes and tidying up? Do you do this at least once a day?
When something breaks, are you often the one who repairs or replaces it?
Is it typically tidier & neater when your parents are away than when they are home?
If you want to live with a romantic partner in the future, and the answer to any of these is no, I suggest you have a long hard think about whether you’re preparing for the life you want, or just staying where it’s comfortable.
Pay your parents some rent, help out around the house, treasure them while they’re still alive.
Save up and invest as much money as you possibly can.
Pay them some rent.
When you do finally move out you’ll need to be used to putting that out. If your relationship with them is as good as you say it is they might tuck it away for you.
I don’t think it’s bad. It’s only bad if you want to leave and can’t.
Let’s say I was a huge successful billionaire: I’d still live with my parents because I’d just get a single big house my whole family could live in together. Though it could be worded as they live with me and not that I live with them; technically both would be accurate.
I only feel like a failure because I want to be independent but it’s too expensive to live on my own. Rather live together with family than total strangers because I could move out and have roommates, but why?
If your household is fine with it, and you are fine with it, stay home. I’m living with my mum til she dies because there’s no other way I’m getting a house without a life of debt, might as well stay home and save money.
I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent
Nothing wrong with living with your folks for any reason at all. But if they won’t let you contribute fully to the household expenses, put that extra cash into a savings account so that you have a deposit when you need it and so that you get used to having a real-world level of disposable income.
In the meantime, make sure you pull your weight at home. I used to have my dad on the phone in tears every week because my brother was living with him but barely even speaking in passing. If you’re living with them, you must make sure they’re getting your help and your company in return. It needs to be a good arrangement for all of you.
If you can bear your parents, don’t move out. Would you bet that half of your coworkers live with their parents?
“Moving out” in an idealised event that just does not make sense anymore today.
I don’t think there is truly such a thing as too old. I would still live at home if I could I think, I like having people I care about around. That being said, it’s more a question of if it works for your family and you. If they are cool with it and you are in a position where you’re comfortable I don’t see an issue. maybe talk to them about it.
If you get on well with your parents and aren’t planning to start a family of your own any time soon, I see zero downside.
and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer)
Have you directly asked about this? That would be my first concern, do they truly want me living at home still? Moving out doesn’t mean you have to never see family again, you can have a set day or two every week to come over for dinner/a visit.
The second concern I would have would be bringing a significant other around, or even a first date. You don’t want to bring every person you go on a date with to meet the parents, only the ones that are serious.
So if you’re family is actually okay with you staying, and you’re okay with bringing dates home around then, then go for it. Doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone.
My dad usually convinces me on the pros of staying at home whenever it comes up. I did do the visit-every-two-weeks thing in college but family just felt more distant then.
Second concern is something I also hear a lot. I haven’t had much luck dating though so may not be the most relevant to me rn :P
Speaking as someone who’s likely around your dad’s age, you could maybe approach him about investing jointly in a 2nd property? You could go live there and manage it, while dad might see it as an investment towards retirement.
This pressure is solely a North American thing. They don’t push kids out in Europe. They have a very connected family dynamic. The only time adult kids go out on their own is if they need the space for bigger fam or need to move far for work. Otherwise fam are entirely happy to stick together. If anything parents want the kids to stay to help as they grow older and they aren’t alone. Sort of a switch over in responsibility later. But this is considering a healthy family dynamic. Not an abusive one. Abusive families still run away.
In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.
I’m living with a with a relative who I get along fine with and I’ve already done the ‘leave the nest’ thing.
I don’t have more life style growth to learn how to survive independently as I have the career I want and making the money I want. I can easily move out and get a place if that is what I need to do. I’ve done it before.
I’m back with fam because living alone is expensive for all of us. But we also really enjoy each others company. If anything it’s more that we live with each other for both of our benefit. Not just me living with them for my own benefit.
It’s worth noting that, by and large, American culture makes it a pretty stifling experience for most people to stay at home as an adult. There are a lot of nuances that create this dynamic.
There’s also the undeniable frequency at which these parent/children relationships turn toxic that I think other cultures ignore. I have a first generation Korean friend in his mid-twenties who left the country because, despite how unhealthy his home environment is with his parents is, the social pressure to stay is incredibly high.
In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.
It’s a part of American rugged individualism
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugged_individualism
I really wish we had a culture that promoted healthier family dynamics and that staying at home longer was more common as a result. Maybe then I’d still have family and a safety net.
Feels like the living with parents shame is part of the new deal propaganda that led to highways and suburbs. There’s a poster from that time that says something like “owning a home makes you a real american”. If renting makes you “not a real american” than idk what living with your parents makes you.
This changes a lot from place to place. So take into account that what I’m going to say comes from someone in Latin America.
I think that “moving out” boils down to three questions:
- Do you fight often with your parents?
- Are you being leeched, or a leech yourself?
- Does it prevent you from doing what you want to do?
If the answer for all those three things is a clear “no”, then there’s no reason to move out.
Freedom is not a theoretical matter, but a practical one; it’s not being prevented from doing what you want. In certain cases you might be less free by moving out.
If you’re happy and your parents are fine with it then don’t fucking worry. Honesty the only real reason to move into a place of your own is if you’re moving in with a romantic partner or if you have good friends that would warrant living with. Housing right now is outrageously overpriced so why bother the unnecessary expense if everything else is fine?
Also, if you’re not already, take advantage of that no rent situation and save what you would be paying for retirement.
