I have schizophrenia, a condition that fights itself being treated. I do pretty well on the meds. I’m pretty happy on the meds. But I still want to just abandon them and go all the way into being an addict until death. Part of me just doesn’t want to do well. No matter how solid the solid becomes, I feel this deep need for these massive good and bad swings. I don’t just need the highs of the psychotic mania, I need the lows too. A part of me wants to eat my hand again.
I’ve gone about a week without my anti-psychotic. I’m kinda split on whether or not I should take it tonight. I know this may seem like too much, but please convince me to take my meds
Anti-psychotics all have an interesting effect where they dampen all dopamine and seratonin receptors except for your nicotine receptors. Your nicotine receptors are the last thing that make you feel fully as joyous as you were before meds. Nicotine also curbs every side effect of APs, increased appetite and dissociation being the main ones. Once I started anti-psychotics, I straight up told the people closest to me that I was now never going to be able to quit nicotine. I could accept switching forms, I didn’t feel like I needed the cig, but I at least needed the nicotine.