I ‘attempted’ suicide last Friday. It was more a pathetic gesture than an attempt. I was hospitalized for about a day. So, the protocol was to put the patient in ICU in cases of poisoning. I cannot talk to anyone for the duration because no one was allowed to see me. So, in essence, I was left alone with my thoughts. It was the worst. I realized that people aren’t unkind, just that we are taught that, to be ‘professional’. In fact, I think nowadays, we are actively removing humanities component of every subject to ever exist, in pursuit of efficiency and also, maybe to make the subject stand on its own merits.

Another realization is that I think the rule makers think they stand far above rule followers. They don’t care about rule followers, only make rules to reduce their problems by controlling rule followers.

Honestly, I have been feeling like ghost for far longer than I care to admit. I cannot share my sadness with anyone because there is no one to share it with. Not because people are unkind, but they don’t have time or attention to spare on me. I am a patient to be treated for someone, an interview candidate for someone else, a contractor for someone else, a client for others and so on. But, I am not a human being for any of them. I feel dehumanized to the point of being a ghost.