A couple from a co-worker:

If you don’t have time to do it correctly now, what makes you think you will have time to fix it later.

Remember, you are not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.

And a couple from my grandmother:

Don’t study drunk, but if you do at least be a little tipsy when you take the test.

Don’t do anything to your car to make it stand it to the police.

My wife set a tray of tortilla chips on fire in our oven. She was not stoned she is just easily distracted. Fun fact, turns out our oven locks the door when there is a fire inside it so you have no way of actually dealing with said fire. Even turning power off to the oven did not unlock the door.

This is what I’m came here to say. I could not even tell you how many times my wife has read the entire series.

Rule number 1: Don’t shit on the bus!

Rule number 2: Sleep with your feet to the front.

Rule number 3: Don’t shit on the bus!

I used to have a pre-filled salt grinder that said “freshly ground for fresher taste”. I always thought “you don’t understand how rocks work” whenever I would read it.

Kash Patel looks like he just threw up in his mouth.

A few years ago I was sitting across from a guy at an airport and he was loudly buying skis for his son. Not only did I clearly hear the whole story of how his son just made the ski team and needed skis ASAP, I also heard his full credit card information.

I’m sorry for being a little late I was just wondering if you want to go to the beach with me and I will be there in about an hour or so.

There are some killer restaurants in gas stations where I live. Some of the best Thai food I have ever had comes from a shell station. It is just a couple of older Thai lady’s in a tiny kitchen serving up amazing togo food from the back of a gas station, and there is always a line.

Yes

My standard is a mix of plain Greek yogurt and plain “American?” yogurt with hemp, chia, and flax seeds, cinnamon toast crunch, and wheat checks all mixed together. A lot of times I will also do a banana, spinach, ginger, and tumeric protein smoothie.

In case you were still wondering it is a Schlage Everest core.

I work at hight and one of my secrets is that I am afraid of heights, I am just really good at turning off the part of my brain that says what I’m doing is a terrible idea.