I guess it feels magical to be someone’s first.
But as @otp said - experience brings knowledge of yourself and others and can make stuff more enjoyable and easier to do.
True, prior experience does bring prior knowledge of yourself, but for me, exploration has always been a key factor in a relationship, in all aspects. Like, what new memories did you make together, what unique things did you do together, etc.
Exploration of the self should be a constant thing, and while it’s certainly no bad thing to have some basics checked off, that kind of discovery should be happening in meaningful relationships whether it’s your first or your hundredth.
exploration has always been a key factor in a relationship
Nothing wrong with that.
We have new things to experience in other stuff of life too.
.
Exploration of the self should be a constant thing
You can do it in many different surroundings and variables. Another situation teaches X better than another. Some situation might not teach anything.
So, you can learn things about yourself in a relationship or after that never occurred to you before.
I don’t think I would want to date someone that was a virgin; they wouldn’t know what they actually liked or didn’t like (fantasies are significantly different from real life; the things you fantasize about may not work for you IRL), and I wouldn’t be interested in trying to guide them to a conclusion that may not align with my desires at all.
I had a partner that did all of that for me, and in the end, we weren’t aligned. She ultimately didn’t get what she wanted, because we couldn’t reach an agreement. Or, we couldn’t reach an agreement until it was too late.
Any bearing might be taking it a bit far. If we’re both in our 30s and you’ve never had a relationship grow to the place of trust where sex occurs, I’m very interested in the why. It’s not an automatic deal breaker either way, but as you age, it does communicate something about you, at least in Western cultures where sex outside of marriage is hardly taboo.
I would say it’s fair to ask why, so long as there isn’t any sort of judgement attached.
Some people simply choose not to and that’s fine. It may not be how you and I live but it’s a valid choice.
Some people don’t wanna do it before wedlock. Also a valid choice but you do need to consider if that works for you.
Some also have traumas around the subject, like if their only experience was sexual assault or rape.
If it turns out the reasons are to do with simply being undesirable for one reason or another, chances are you’ll notice those before you notice the fact they haven’t had sex.
Also the reason could be that they’re just not interested in sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I have no interest in a sexless relationship. I want to be with someone who has a similar attitude towards and drive for sex.
That’ll vary from person to person, as it can give insight into how they see themselves and what they expect of relationships, possibly other very different things. After all, someone remaining virgin because they firmly believe it should only happen after marriage is very different from someone who is just too socially awkward. A past trauma could also be a reason, so, again, it’s something to better know and understand the person.
There’s no way to know until you ask, but to me it might mean that they have quite low self esteem, or the opposite, that they have an inflated view of themselves that no one was good enough for them.
It could also communicate that sex or physical intimacy is not important to them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it would certainly affect my interest in anything past a platonic friendship with them.
I was only disputing that op said it should have “no bearing” not that it’s the most important thing.
Also though, compatible levels of interest in sex is extremely important in monogamous relationships. For any other interest or need I can engage alone or with friends if my partner isn’t interested. For sex, I need my partner to be on board.
I find it absurd that virginity or lack thereof has any bearing.
I guess it feels magical to be someone’s first.
But as @otp said - experience brings knowledge of yourself and others and can make stuff more enjoyable and easier to do.
True, prior experience does bring prior knowledge of yourself, but for me, exploration has always been a key factor in a relationship, in all aspects. Like, what new memories did you make together, what unique things did you do together, etc.
Exploration of the self should be a constant thing, and while it’s certainly no bad thing to have some basics checked off, that kind of discovery should be happening in meaningful relationships whether it’s your first or your hundredth.
Nothing wrong with that.
We have new things to experience in other stuff of life too.
.
You can do it in many different surroundings and variables. Another situation teaches X better than another. Some situation might not teach anything.
So, you can learn things about yourself in a relationship or after that never occurred to you before.
I don’t think I would want to date someone that was a virgin; they wouldn’t know what they actually liked or didn’t like (fantasies are significantly different from real life; the things you fantasize about may not work for you IRL), and I wouldn’t be interested in trying to guide them to a conclusion that may not align with my desires at all.
I had a partner that did all of that for me, and in the end, we weren’t aligned. She ultimately didn’t get what she wanted, because we couldn’t reach an agreement. Or, we couldn’t reach an agreement until it was too late.
Hmm. Good point.
Some of us are ready to try that stuff out too, but there are risks involved that you mentioned.
Any bearing might be taking it a bit far. If we’re both in our 30s and you’ve never had a relationship grow to the place of trust where sex occurs, I’m very interested in the why. It’s not an automatic deal breaker either way, but as you age, it does communicate something about you, at least in Western cultures where sex outside of marriage is hardly taboo.
I would say it’s fair to ask why, so long as there isn’t any sort of judgement attached.
Some people simply choose not to and that’s fine. It may not be how you and I live but it’s a valid choice.
Some people don’t wanna do it before wedlock. Also a valid choice but you do need to consider if that works for you.
Some also have traumas around the subject, like if their only experience was sexual assault or rape.
If it turns out the reasons are to do with simply being undesirable for one reason or another, chances are you’ll notice those before you notice the fact they haven’t had sex.
Also the reason could be that they’re just not interested in sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I have no interest in a sexless relationship. I want to be with someone who has a similar attitude towards and drive for sex.
And what does it communicate ? I’m genuinely curious.
That’ll vary from person to person, as it can give insight into how they see themselves and what they expect of relationships, possibly other very different things. After all, someone remaining virgin because they firmly believe it should only happen after marriage is very different from someone who is just too socially awkward. A past trauma could also be a reason, so, again, it’s something to better know and understand the person.
There’s no way to know until you ask, but to me it might mean that they have quite low self esteem, or the opposite, that they have an inflated view of themselves that no one was good enough for them.
It could also communicate that sex or physical intimacy is not important to them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it would certainly affect my interest in anything past a platonic friendship with them.
Lol that like about anything about your life isn’t it? Why is this more important than anything else?
I was only disputing that op said it should have “no bearing” not that it’s the most important thing.
Also though, compatible levels of interest in sex is extremely important in monogamous relationships. For any other interest or need I can engage alone or with friends if my partner isn’t interested. For sex, I need my partner to be on board.
Here you’re supposing that a virgin will be by choice.