CW: transphobia-lite(?)

She’s so caught up in my “case” being such an outlier that there must be “something else” going on. She says she never noticed anything in me as a child that would point to gender dysphoria, and that since I was a fairly strong-willed child I would have let someone know. She’s also linked to reputable-seeming studies about mean age of first experiencing gender dysphoria in trans youth, which peg it around 4-7 years old.

And she’s right. I never had any gender dysphoria as a child, not really, and I still don’t even see myself as a “girl stuck in a guy’s body”. I consider myself a guy who wants to become a girl, not because being a guy is so horrible, but because being a girl seems very nice.

My therapist tells me this is valid, that people have their different experiences of being trans, but my mom is so caught up in this data she’s found.

Another thing—she’s adamantly against me doing HRT due to the risks of estrogen and trauma from her breast cancer. I’ve since found data claiming that breast cancer risk in trans women on HRT is higher than for cis men, but lower than cis women, so unless she thinks my sister ought to take estrogen blockers there’s no reasonable worry there.

All this culminates in her saying that she can’t bear to live with me if I choose to go on HRT. She’s not kicking me out, but she wants us to live separately. Problem is we’re both jobless which makes getting approved for two new apartments difficult.

Needless to say this all sucks. Before I broached the topic last year I never would have expected this kind of reaction from her. I just don’t see why it has to be such a scary thing for her. Every time I try to talk to her about it I’m filled with the doubt that radiates from her in waves. I do want to move out on my own but financially it’s not the best move.

Idk what I’m asking for here. Data or anecdotes about realizing you’re trans later in life would be nice? Warm fuzzy feelings from internet people? I dunno

  • regularassbitch [she/her]@hexbear.net
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    1 year ago

    i had the same kind of thing going on with my mom after i told her. i can go into specifics but essentially it boiled down to her seeing me a certain way and desperately trying to hold onto the person i was. things are always hard at first but i hope eventually with time your mom will see you’re in a better place now and ease up

    • RION [she/her]@hexbear.netOP
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      1 year ago

      essentially it boiled down to her seeing me a certain way and desperately trying to hold onto the person i was

      That sounds very similar to my situation. I’m the youngest of three and throughout instability in her life I think my mom has held on an “idea” of me to get her through it, which also resulted in some of my needs not being met in childhood.

      The thing that frustrates me is that I’m not going to become a completely different person, I keep telling her I’m going to act the same way, have the same interests, etc. but just appear different and probably be a lot happier. She just doesn’t seem to get that :/

      • regularassbitch [she/her]@hexbear.net
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        1 year ago

        none of that really matters to the cis people in our lives. i think on some level it’s a control thing and ultimately that’s an issue she has to work on, it’s absolutely not something you are responsible for fixing

  • ZoomeristLeninist [comrade/them, she/her]@hexbear.netM
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    1 year ago

    your feelings are valid trans-heart im sorry ur mom is acting so negatively. i also realized i was trans later in life: not too long ago, when i was 22. i also have had those “impostor” thoughts, telling myself that my experiences werent “real” enough. a lot of that is internalized transphobia and the best way to know is to just think abt it. would you be happier as a feminine person (or even just not masculine)? if yes, you are trans. not all trans ppl have dysphoria, so dont get hung up on that. it all comes down to what you want, who you are

    best of luck comrade cat-trans

  • Llituro [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.net
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    1 year ago

    first off meow-hug

    you are valid in your experience. outliers exist! that’s why we have a name for it and a systematic way to think about it!

    breast cancer risk in trans women on HRT is higher than for cis men, but lower than cis women

    so (not a doctor), but i believe that breast cancer risk is essentially related to rate of cell reproduction in the organ, which is largely why the rate for cis men is the lowest. cis women regularly increase their risk by taking estrogen in the form of the birth control pill as well. your taking HRT is objectively not a statistical danger to you personally. not that you should have to debate your transition to your mother with facts and logic, but you certainly could if you wanted. her point isn’t factually correct.

    most of the trans women i know did not realize and start transitioning until later in life, like in their 20’s.

    i don’t have any real answers though, that’s a tough and awful situation for you to be put in. good luck in whatever you choose, you are valid in being in this unwinnable situation by just being yourself.

    • RION [she/her]@hexbear.netOP
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      1 year ago

      cis women regularly increase their risk by taking estrogen in the form of the birth control pill

      That’s one of her points actually, that my sister is can’t use estrogen based birth control due to the risks it presents so I shouldn’t take estrogen either. But since my risk would be even lower than my sister’s is without supplemental estrogen, and my mom isn’t raising hell to get my sister to rid all estrogen from her system, I don’t see it as too much of a valid concern

        • RION [she/her]@hexbear.netOP
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          1 year ago

          Broke: not transitioning

          Woke: transitioning with traditional HRT

          Bespoke: transitioning by ingesting a precise mixture of endocrine disrupting forever chemicals contained withing burger king food wrappers

        • RION [she/her]@hexbear.netOP
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          1 year ago

          She hasn’t said anything about genes to my knowledge, but definitely made a point to link estrogen to breast cancer. That’s why I’d like to talk to people at a clinic and at least figure out what’s up with that

  • GrouchyGrouse [he/him]@hexbear.net
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    1 year ago

    Sending you some warm fuzzy feelings my comrade.

    For what it’s worth, I think coming out late in life is awesome. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it requires a change of environment. That doesn’t mean it’s an invalid way to feel.

  • GaveUp [love/loves]@hexbear.netM
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    1 year ago

    My experience is exactly like yours

    I only realized very recently in my early 20s And only began questioning also in my early 20s

    Never felt like I had gender dysphoria my entire life even though there were obvious signs in my teens and I always felt gender euphoria around feminity though I never realized that’s what it was

    And that right there is the issue around trans people must feel dysphoria in their youth imo. We live in such a cis normative society and transgender education/exposure is non-existent that I believe it makes it difficult if not impossible for many trans people to realize what they’re experiencing is gender dysphoria. We were literally never given the tools or knowledge to be able to understand what we were feeling

    There’s also the factor that being a feminine boy or masculine girl is looked down upon, so there’s another issue around self defense mechanisms that arise from the shame and guilt you’d feel from your feelings about gender

    I’ve still to this day can only count on one hand the amount of times I’ve experienced gender dysphoria while sober. The first time I experienced it was extremely intense and only during my first bad trip. All the other times were while I was high. I still mostly only feel feminine while high. My mental barriers are probably so thick they only start to let my feelings show through when I’m inebriated

    The brain and how it works is such a complex and mysterious subject that anybody who makes absolute statements like “she says she never noticed anything in me as a child that would point to gender dysphoria, and that since I was a fairly strong-willed child I would have let someone know” have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about

    Whatever your feelings may be with regards to your gender identity, it’s every bit as valid as somebody who has figured it out when they were a 5 year old pissing in their bed cat-trans

    • RION [she/her]@hexbear.netOP
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      1 year ago

      sorry for replying so late

      The brain and how it works is such a complex and mysterious subject that anybody who makes absolute statements like “she says she never noticed anything in me as a child that would point to gender dysphoria, and that since I was a fairly strong-willed child I would have let someone know” have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about

      this is a very good point and one i needed to hear

  • nemmybun [she/her]@hexbear.net
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    1 year ago

    I’m sorry your mom is being difficult. I agree with doing stealth HRT. You shouldn’t have to put your goals on hold because someone who holds power over you objects to how you want to live it.

    Me, I was a late bloomer and only figured it out at a very ancient 30. There were signs in my case but I was bullied into repression by shitty family and I ended up drinking a lot in my 20s to repress harder instead of deal with it properly. I only ended up dealing with it because I had a breakdown and couldn’t avoid it anymore.

    I didn’t think I had dysphoria before I started transitioning but after experiencing gender validation and euphoria often enough I was able to look back with a new lens and suddenly I felt like my life was nothing but dysphoria. Not that it’s required to have dysphoria to be trans, but in my case, I did have it and couldn’t recognize the shape of it until I was able to change how I looked at it.

  • SwitchyWitchyandBitchy [she/her]@hexbear.net
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    1 year ago

    We all experience our gender and trans-ness in different ways. Have you seen genderdysphoria.fyi? AFAIK it’s a good resource when you’re trying to figure out your gender, and also as a resource for explaining things to people when you’re still just figuring these things out for yourself.

    Also, a lot of the things you mentioned resonate with me. From my mom insisting there were no signs (in my case I did experience dysphoria but didn’t understand it and kept it hidden as much as I could, as with my other ND traits), to her being vehemently against me starting hrt due to health risks, and even the whole strong willed child thing sounds familiar. In my case she also always tried to get me to wear lens clothes or at least stuff less feminine I think in her eyes, and stay closeted in as many situations as possible. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be a feminine man. She’s been better lately at least but it took a lot of talking and setting boundaries and me continuing to be strong willed.

    I’m on HRT now and for me at least my mental health is way better, and I’m much happier living my life.

    • RION [she/her]@hexbear.netOP
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      1 year ago

      yeah I got recommended that site when i started questioning a while ago. still go back to it just to look and when i read about the estrogenic puberty i ferret-poggers and when i read about the androgenic puberty i cringe , plus a lot of the sidebar tweets feel disconcertingly targeted to me with how accurate they are

  • Alch_Fox [she/her, comrade/them]@hexbear.net
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    1 year ago

    This thread is making me like a fossil. Geez.

    I figured myself out at 32. Everything has gone well to this point and I’ve been on HRT for over a year now. My family was a little iffy with me being trans at first for various, nonsensical reasons. However, their opinions don’t matter at the end of the day. I knew I was trans. I knew I wasn’t comfortable further living my life as a man, regardless of what other people thought. So here I am, happier than I’ve ever been in my life and just a few weeks from bottom surgery consultation. Just doing my best to live my best life.

    What I’m more or less trying to say here is that you should do your best to shut out those in your life that have little or no interest in truly accepting you. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters in this regard are your own opinions and your own thoughts regarding the matter. Or at least that’s how I see things and that’s how I live life.