I just found out my best friend of over a decade is transphobic. I don’t really have more to say. I’m just devastated and feeling really alone.
I’m so sorry, sending love your way. People can change, and it may take you moving on from them and finding more loving and supportive community for that time happen, but it’s not something you can/should be expected to force. You deserve supportive people in your life! They’re out there and ready to accept you with open arms ❤️
“Transphobic” is used a variety of ways, and means different things to different people. What exactly do you mean? For example, are they actively hateful, or just freaked out? Is it religious bias?
I imagine they wouldn’t be your best friend if they were a terrible person, so things may not be as bad as they seem. Perhaps it would only take some genuine listening and nonjudgmental education to solve this problem. If handled carefully and respectfully, this could be a great opportunity to change someone’s outlook in a positive way.
If they don’t go out of their way to put a burden on trans’ people lives (and I don’t think they do otherwise you would have detected that pretty earlier in the decade of friendship), also remember OP that it’s always easier to be LGBT-fobic when no one you know is LGBT. They’ll have to measure their transphobia and their love for you in a balance. And sometimes, love wins.
this could be a great opportunity to change someone’s outlook in a positive way.
It could, but I don’t have the energy to educate people these days. I might send them some links if I really cared about them, but I have too little time and energy to politely explain for the millionth time that sex != gender. Same reason I don’t have the energy to educate flat earthers.
But if they are really close friends it might be worth it.
I recommend this video, it helped me understand how I can hopefully change some people’s opinions as time goes on.
i feel you! i found out my ex-bf (we still were friends, broke up in a good, mutual way) thought andrew tate or fresh & fit gave great advise and denied any misogyny whatsoever. my world was shook to the core, would never have guessed that. ig if you want you could try to talk to them, idk your situation but i couldn’t, i was way to upset. just know its fine to put yourself first and protect yourself, even if it means to cut someone of you cared so deeply about. also i want to say its not your fault for not realising it earlier, sometimes people change. i know for a fact my ex did, still gave myself a hard time over this. i hope you have other friends to help you through this time! 🫂❤️🩹
I feel your pain. May you find 10 more friends just as close as the one you lost; who are not transphobic.
Or maybe someday you’ll have luck in educating the one you lost. Whatever the outcome; know that you are valid and accepted. Some people just haven’t caught up yet.
hug sorry I don’t have more to offer.
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Can you explain why you believe that?
In a pluralistic society it is as bad as racisim or prejudice against Muslims or misogyny. If your fear of a given group informs a change of a long-term friendship just from that friend coming out, then yeah, it’s not only a social dysfunction but informs what job positions you can have that are public-facing or public-serving.
For instance, transphobes shouldn’t be doctors, pharmacists or defense attorneys if their transphobia might affect their regard to clients.
Maybe in a police state where citizens are expected to adhere to an extreme level of conformity then being transphobic might not cause additional harm, but no one would want to live in such a society.
Edit: Cleaned up typos
Hopefully they grow as a person and change in time.
Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian extremist family, it can be hard to rewrite one’s own objective moral code. It takes time and reflection to develop philosophically and emotionally independent of the socially isolated projected/pressured rigid stances that may have gone unquestioned since birth. It took me years of atheism to really take control of my own moral compass independent of any peer pressure and I’m sure I still have room to grow.
I don’t mean to project myself onto your friend. I just wanted to say, with some substance: Much love! People can change!
