This definitely happened to me a LOT when I was growing up. Oddly enough, right around the time of puberty. Which, now that I think about, explains a lot. Mine was usually right after dreams about being small. I ended up over 6 feet tall by middle school, so that’s either an expression of dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or both. I’m going with both.

Were we separated at birth? I swear I have the exact same experience as you. The slight difference for me might be that instead of nightmares, I just literally haven’t dreamt AT ALL since puberty. And then had a real dream once I was on estrogen. I am hoping things get better from here. Nothing much happening in the first month (besides my spouse telling me I don’t smell like a man anymore) but I am hoping it turns out well. Your accounts are both mirrors of my own life and very affirming that I have made the right decisions. Thank you for sharing!

I met up with some friedns for brunch this weekend and one of them said “Your weight loss is going well and you don’t look like you’re cradle-robbing anymore.”. My spouse and I were very confused, since we’re almost the same age. Estrogen and weight loss together are the literal fountain of youth. My personal favorite weight loss tool that isn’t “eat less” was getting on Zwift. Plus, cycling helps with your legs and butt. Wins all around!

HRT is cheap, relatively speaking. Just remember that you also need to get frequent blood tests. There can be very small side effects depending on your specific treatment and medical history, so doctors will want to make sure things are kept in check. I’m on spiro and a marathon runner, so I also need to watch potassium, for instance.

The real expense is laser/electrolysis, and eventually surgery if you decide that’s the right path for you. I personally can’t wait to get all the testosterone poisoning gone, but I know it will take time and planning. And it will be worth it!

As usual, Dandelion has a fantastic and well-composed response. I’ll add to this that I am in a similar situation though I started HRT and voice training only recently. You can absolutely switch back and forth with your voice. If you don’t believe me, YouTube has several examples of this (TransVoiceLessons’ Clover is spectacular here, along with Zoey Alexandria) and the HRT side of things is more about your mental health in the early stages. You can stop if it’s uncomfortable!

As for family, friends, and other “obligations”: they need to accept you as you. Consider this: if you were in a car accident and lost a limb, would they love you any differently? This is part of your existence as a human being, just as it is mine. The reactions of others to your identity is on them, and not you. You don’t control them or how they feel. You control yourself, and how YOU feel. If you feel miserable in dysphoria (I did!) and think it’s bad now, wait another decade. I promise, it does NOT get better. I held off for 11 years because I was afraid I would hurt my spouse. I would put them in danger for being associated with me, I would jeapordize our relationship, I would force them to choose between us and their family. The list of excuses was endless. It turns out, I was welcomed with open arms. Just consider that we, as a “minority population”, have one of the highest suicide rates out of all other “minority populations”. Please, PLEASE don’t be a statistic. Be you.

40 and 1 month into HRT here. We do exist! Even though every single day I wish I had my own EMH to just magically put me into the right body via the magic of Starfleet Medical :/

You might still be able to use something like Planned Parenthood to get coverage outside of your parents’ insurance. That said, this is going to be a recurring issue that you’ll have to address at some point. Your primary care physician needs to know you’re taking HRT because your blood tests will be… surprising if they don’t. I don’t know that to tell you about being in Texas. That’s a tough one, and I had a conversation with my own management recently about never going to that state for any reason, even if it meant losing my job. I don’t mean to scare you, but you should consider a move if you can figure it out. The GDB isn’t so long a read, it’s just really well organized. I devoured it in a day, not including the references. Those were saved for a later review. There’s a ton more info out there if you need it! Everywhere from Lemmy communities, to Reddit subs, to several private websites tracking resources. I found this one particularly useful, even if some of it can be a little out of date: Transgender Map. I had lots of the same questions that you do now, though my situation is different since I’m “over the hill” in my 40s, but you could take a look at the replies to a post I made over a month ago askig similar questions: Advice on finding doctors Hang in there! There’s always an option. You just have to decide which is right for you.

Go read the entire Gender Dysphoria Bible to start. You may be able to start HRT sooner than you think, depending on where you are. There are programs that may help, or specialized clinics that offer cheaper care. A therapist, if you can afford it, is highly recommended!

If you can’t or don’t want to medically transition, that’s totally valid, too! You could socially transition. Choosing a new name can be super difficult (ask me how I know) and voice training is likewise difficult and a slow process, and neither of these require anything but you and your mind. Clothing helps with dysphoria, as well as makeup/hair/nails/jewelry or even just social groups and hobbies. Thrift stores are likely to have cheap options for beginners.

The other thing I would suggest is figuring out your support group. You do NOT have to do this alone. Whether it’s online communities like this one (<3 Blåhaj!) or real world friend groups or support groups, go find peers or allies.

Welcome to the sisterhood! I hope you find yourself soon :)

I am somehow immune to the stereotypical pickle and olive cravings, but I am devouring these almond-butter filled pretzel bites. I don’t even like hard pretzels. At least, I didn’t like them before! I also went and got my ears pierced this weekend. That felt right, somehow. I only got flat white gold studs, and my spouse says they look punk more than anything, but they somehow make my face feel smaller. I’ll take any win I can get.

I just want to say thank you for making this post. It felt pretty good to get my own feelings out in the open and validated by someone. Although painful, it’s also good to hear from others with similar experiences. None of us has to deal with this alone!

Are you me? I see quite a lot of parallels here. I am sorry you dealt with this, too. I haven’t started electrolysis yet (soon, hopefully) and a friend made a comment about my five o’clock shadow today. I was visibly upset to the point that my spouse was squeezing my hand. It wasn’t his fault since he doesn’t know yet, but it still stings.

I had a double whammy of “phantom pain” and it’s opposite of somehow also having parts that shouldn’t be there. It feels like the vagina that I should have been born with is aching to just be there and that the parts I do have are always just somehow in the way. They feel foreign, like a transplant that’s being rejected. The awful part is that the latter started when I was a very young child. I kept trying to “move it out of the way” and was always getting yelled at.

It took almost 30 years for me to fully grasp why these feelings were happening, and then I spent the next 10+ in an internal battle over whether to just give up on life or to keep going to keep my spouse happy. This essentially manifested as a kind of depression where I was withdrawn from everything that was happening around me. I just went through the daily motions with occasional small glimmers of the outside world, usually when something really good happened with my spouse around.

After starting GAHT, they straight up said to me “I’m glad to have you back! You’re actually here with me now”. Sometimes it’s almost a physical pain, and sometimes it’s a mental disconnect, and sometimes it would qualify as clinical depression. However, like everything else in this journey, we all go through the process differently. Your mileage may vary in transition, but it also likely varies on the way to starting, too.

If you haven’t read it yet, I strongly recommend reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible

Wait a minute, does that explain the HOTAS in my drawer? I don’t remember buying it. Or putting it there. But I do remember charging my Friendship Drive!

I wonder if I could mod the super cruise chromatic aberration to just be pink and blue? Or full of butterflies. That could be nice!

o7

You could try Philadelphia. They need teachers, the public transit is decent (but not amazing), housing has been below average for a long time, and the medical situation is really good. Most people are accepting and don’t really bother each other, unless you’re in South Philly by the stadiums or in some of the gang turf areas, but those aren’t the majority of the city. I lived there for a while and enjoyed it. Also Jefferson Health is amazing when it comes to tranagender care, and there are several places like the Mazzoni Center that make it ok there. The only issue is that the state is purple and Philly is blue, but the state legislature is definitely red. You never know what nonsense might come up next.

Whirlwind of a week! Spent it with my in-laws. We ran a race this weekend, and I wore my pride socks in public for the first time. The person in front of me at the starting line was wearing a progress pride flag as a cape, and I said “thank you”. My sister-in-law clued in and was asking my spouse what was going on while they ran, so after I set a new PR I came out to her. “Ok, as long as you’re happy” was almost immediately followed by the gobsmacked " omg, you must be really upset with things right now". So I guess that’s a win. It was nice being in a public place where I didn’t constantly hear hateful gibberish and saw people openly being themselves (including employees; those butterfly earrings were gorgeous!) so a good trip in all. My spouse’s parents still don’t know, though. One week at a time!

On another note, nobody told me voice training was going to be this bad. Yes, I followed the guides and the videos. I also see a professional. The LPR damage is making it very difficult, though!

Thanks! I’m going to need to work hard on this.

I’m also a few weeks in and not seeing any changes. I am also on a t blocker, though I don’t know if it’s working yet as my first blood test isn’t for another month. It takes time. I feel a little different mentally, but I am physically still a giant hairy man.

My advice is to try and find one person you can absolutely trust and confide in them, if you can. It’s better to do this with help than alone. Maybe find a local-ish group that meets up in person and attend if you aren’t comfortable with people who know you. I find it odd to think about, but I am more comfortable discussing things with people I have never met but who share in my daily struggles than to talk with someone I know who doesn’t.

I’m sorry you had to go through that! I understand the sentiment of keeping it visible but close, which is why a necklace was my first thought as well. I might do that anyway to keep the original close when we get new rings. Thank you!

This is actually really sweet it in a way. I’m glad to know that others are comfortable just being outside of a “norm”. We’ve been together over 20 years and I’ve had the same ring the whole time, but I preferred to remove it while working. In my line of work, I had the same fears about degloving or electrocution. It’s gone the opposite direction for me though, in that it’s now so large even the silicone wraparound sizers aren’t big enough. I’ll take your suggestions into consideration, though. I’ve always loved plants, and there is a Polynesian cultural practice of wearing flowers like a plumeria on one side of the hair to indicate marital status. Not as practical in the winter, but it’s still something I think I’d enjoy.

You and Telorand both suggesting silicone sent me looking. It might be worth grabbing a “his and hers” set so I also have something to wear for now in boymode. I still haven’t told anyone but my spouse that I know in person so I need to stay under the radar while the hormones do their thing. This might not be a terrible idea. Thanks!