WannabeBear [he/him, comrade/them]

Weirdly enough I know a nonbinary transfemme who is completely closeted to her wife, and has been on hormones for a few years.

Some cis people ARE wildly clueless.

I’m also interested

Life is shockingly good right now and idk how to feel about that.

• I’m finally on the waitlist for top surgery (downside is that it’s 1.5-2+ years before I’ll be having surgery, if I want it funded by public healthcare. Also downside is they’re suggesting that I reduce my BMI, which is just awesome with my history of dieting and disordered eating. . I might go private, partly to avoid the waitlist (2 years is way too long), partly to possibly avoid getting annoying diet talk from my GP (the public surgeon sent her a letter asking her to reduce my weight, basically, lol)
• I have a job lined up for after graduation, and came out to them about being trans. They were mostly supportive and cool, though a tiny bit boomer (I will probably have to educate them some, which sucks, but is also inevitable in my industry). One staff member did misgender me last time I was there, so next time I’m coming with a name tag with my manly new name (I mostly go by a shortened version which is fairly gender neutral, the full version is definitely considered a male name) and pronoun pins. Hopefully that will help. I need a beard.
• I’m getting so close to being Out everywhere. I just need to come out to my in-laws and an aunt and uncle, so they don’t get to freak out about finding out via the grapevine or social media or something.
• I’m dating a cis woman who is married to a trans woman and it’s SO WILD to be dating a woman in a straight way, and absolutely amazing to be dating someone who has already been “cooked” in terms of cis people being educated about trans stuff. She’s so incredible at affirming my gender. The downside is idk how to feel about discovering this straight side of myself. It’s kind of disturbing and makes me feel unsettled. Also I’m discovering new ways to trigger dysphoria, which is annoying. Like I can be with a guy and not wear a binder and if I feel his flat chest on my tits it’s kind of just neutral. But feeling someone else’s tits on my tits is like. A big reminder that I have tits, and very unpleasant. So I have to wear a binder all the time with her, which sucks because I already bind way more than you’re supposed to. But overall this new relationship is very fun and good.

Idk why I used bullet points for such massive paragraphs. I think those are all the good trans news I’ve got going on.

Sam Francisco, to get a bunch of gender affirming surgery (assuming it’s truly ALL expenses included, and surgery is an expense).

Replying again because I remembered a thought-

A sort of version of this question I’ve seen, that for me was a loooottt more helpful, but is more kinda aimed at sussing out if you’re nonbinary vs male/female, was:

If you had been born as the opposite sex, would you have felt the need to physically transition?

And like. No? If I’d been born with a penis I think my main body dysphoria would’ve been over the fact that (based on my family) I would’ve been circumcised. The only physical change I would’ve done would be foreskin restoration, lol (also I’d work way harder at taking care of my butthole and not having hemorrhoids, since I wouldn’t have the easier bottoming option I have now). Other than that I believe I’d just be a queer sometimes femme sometimes masc guy, I doubt I’d identify as any kind of trans.

But as is I was born into my body and have experienced decades of dysphoria and have been various states of egg for most of that time. I’m not a woman but living as a girl and then a woman has shaped so much of who I am, that to remove that, would fundamentally change me.

If there was a magical get a full sized uncut penis button I think I would probably (but like, I’m not even certain of that) press it?

But I’m not interested in any button that undoes my life. Because then I’m not me. And that line of thinking is confusing and gives me existential dread. No thanks.

I think I’ll be coming out fully at some point this year. Being closeted is far too distressing these days, so, even though I dread the process of coming out, I think it’s going to be necessary in the very near future.

I should be getting onto the top surgery waitlist in a week or two, which probably means I’ll be on it for most of 2024 (and some or potentially all of 2025, too).

Potentially I’ll also be legally changing my name and gender too, we’ll see.

None of these things will be fun, but hopefully life afterwards will be more livable.

Yeah those questions made me doubt my gender for over a decade

Egg shit I (an ftm egg) did, off the top of my head:

Ask people if they would still like me if I was a guy.

Make jokes about having a dick.

Have panic attacks when guys I was dating/fucking grabbed my tits or were obsessive about them.

Lament about how much nicer men’s clothing is and how much easier it would be to be even slightly stylish as a guy.

Etc.

Somehow “good” and especially “hard” seem less unblemished than “fabulous”