Let’s say, hypothetically, that the Bible is literally true. The God of Abraham is the infallible, omnipotent Creator of the Universe, bestowing upon all humans free will to love and honor God so that they might ascend to Heaven to be with Him for eternity. The ultimate goal and purpose in life is, as you have said, to save one’s soul (or be saved, depending on your perspective).

Now, Satan isn’t exactly a character in the Old Testament Bible, but most Christians anthropomorphize all of the agents of evil, sinful temptations in the OT, like the Snake, the Great Red Dragon, and the heavenly Prosecutor. In the New Testament, Satan, or “the prince of this world” in John, tempts Christ for 40 days in the desert.

So let’s say, for the sake of argument, that Satan exists. Whether a rebel against God or an agent working for Him, Satan’s charter is to deny you the redemption of your soul. Satan wins by tempting you away from the path of righteousness and obedience that earns you a ticket through the pearly gates.

And that’s the game. God has created the world and all Humans, and He has given us dominion over this world so that we might bask in His love, glorify His name, and praise His good deeds. Further, accepting him and following his rules are the only conditions for eternal divine rewards. Do this and spend eternity in Heaven, or fall into one of Satan’s many traps and spend eternity somewhere else. God even made a handy set of 10 rules that are easy to remember and are mostly common sense. Just being a good person is not enough, the Bible is very explicit about that.

Satan has to play by God’s rules, of course, but he is a deceiver and a powerful magician. Satan can create illusions and promise earthly rewards in exchange for damnation. Satan can also pose as false gods, promising alternative heavens or spiritual enlightenment, while leading the deceived down a dark path to hell.

So, logically, what do you suppose is the best way to win souls? Some people are easy, because they either don’t believe or don’t care, and will take the easy path for short-term pleasures. Piece of cake, sometimes literally.

Next you have the foreigners too remote to hear the word of God. Would a compassionate God judge them differently? No, not according to the Bible. That’s why He sent his prophets to spread His word. Satan can win those souls simply by keeping them from hearing the Good News.

But what about the faithful? The obedient followers of God who would never knowingly betray their Lord. Surely those souls would be coveted by Satan above all others. For those chosen people, Satan would need the greatest con he ever attempted. The obvious, most likely deception to win those hearts and minds would be to pose as their promised Messiah. Come to Earth, live as a mortal, conjure some illusions to gain some followers, and then spin a comforting lie.

“You don’t have to follow the rules,” he said. “All people are sinners, and all fall short of God’s perfect divinity. It’s OK. You can be forgiven.”

Now the righteous may see through this deception, but those on the fringes, those struggling to live up to God’s commands, they are encouraged by this message.

“Rules are complicated and numerous. Really, the most important thing is, all God wants is for you to be kind to each other. For all other transgressions, you need only ask forgiveness in my name, and you shall have it!”

My, what a reasonable alternative to following rules. Surely a loving God would not deny his creations an alternative path to reunite with Him. But who is this man to make such promises? The messiah was supposed to be a warrior to lead us in glorious battle, not some hippie washing the feet of prostitutes and making magic wine at parties.

“I am not merely the messiah, I am God incarnate! I am His son, and I am Him. I am the way and the truth and the light, and none shall get to the father except through me!”

Jesus tapdancing Christ, that’s a powerful message. These aren’t some ancient prophecies or mouldy stone tablets. These aren’t commands passed on by flaming bushes or freaky winged eyeball wheels. This is the Word of God spoken from His very lips, if you can believe that. And if you can, you get eternal life That it, no more rules, no more rituals, no more saceifices, just believe and ask forgiveness.

Murder? Repent and you go to heaven. Theft? Buying isn’t owning anyway, just tell me you’re sorry. Whatever you’ve done, whomever you’ve done it to, doesn’t matter because you can always wipe the slate clean with a little prayer. How tempting is that, right?

If I were Satan, that’s what I would do. Use my magic powers to heal some people, feed the desperate, maybe even pretend to die so I can freak out some of my followers and blame the chosen people for my murder. Convince a bunch of people to pray to me instead of God, and tell them that I can forgive them when they fuck up. In fact, mention me in all of your prayers, and maybe even encourage charletains to collect money in my name. Build enormous monuments to me, and spread my message of compassion and love far and wide. Tell people to stop worrying about the rules so much and just love me with all of their hearts.

I doubt anyone who’s made it this far actually believes any of what I wrote. It’s a silly thought experiment. But if your argument is that you don’t need to go to church because Christ has already redeemed your soul, my question is “why stop there?”

Tell me a bright light and a glowing figure awakened you to this mission of calling on Xians to leave the church. Sell me a book for a “love offering.” Please, for the love of Mike, if you can’t do that, how can I ever trust your hallowed quest! ('Be nice if you could offer it on late-night TV, too, please.)