DUBAI — Attendees of the COP28 Climate Summit set aside the solutions to impending climate catastrophe after being dazzled by the inclusion of an ostentatious crude oil fountain in the dining hall, event coordinators have reported.
“I understand that we’re here to figure out how humanity will stave off the coming climate apocalypse, but I’ll be damned if that oil fountain isn’t the coolest shit I’ve seen in a long time. It even does the thing where it spurts out to project images of objects. Absolutely blew my tits off,” said English ambassador Roger Cummings. “I can’t believe I was concerned with the summit being spearheaded by the CEO of the largest oil company in the Middle East! Between the fountain and the indoor go kart track tournament tonight, I think we can put the fate of humanity aside to enjoy ourselves for a bit.”
The host of COP28, CEO of Abu Dhabi National Oil Company Dr. Sultan al-Jaber, said the fountain was the centerpiece of the entire event.
“We are committed to taking on the challenges of climate change, but this is Dubai and in this city we love two things: flashy opulence and black gold. This fountain is connected to a well we drilled under the event center, and metaphorically into the minds and wallets of politicians who want to cut into our profit margins just to buy the Earth a few more years of being hospitable,” said al-Jaber. “Look how they gawk at it! They don’t even care that this summit is a farce, they just want selfies with a glorified lawn decoration. Though this is nothing compared to the one in my underground doomsday bunker.”
Event planners for the summit who cater to the wealthy and powerful noted that the fountain and other gaudy distractions usually drive ulterior motives.
“Whenever some rabble-rousers begin to challenge the machinations that keep them poor and sick, they naturally turn to their elected representatives to resolve the issue. So then it falls on me to throw lavish parties hosted by industry leaders and lobbyists to ensure nothing changes even if it’s an event that looks good for the papers,” said Elias Downey. “The fountain was easy, but you should’ve seen the strings we pulled to prevent Nancy Pelosi blocking members of Congress from trading stocks. It’s not easy to procure a golden unicorn that shoots money out of its horn!”
As of press time, summit organizers unveiled a dunk tank where attendees could sink a climate activist into an oil drum.
This one honestly got me at first 😆
It blew my tits off.
Damn lmao, they didn’t pull any punches on this one
So many ridiculous shenannigans at COP28 that I mistook this one for a real headline at first.
I read down to “blew my tits off” before checking if it’s the Onion.
crude oil is toxic af - knowing is half the battle
So don’t drink it?
What are you, some kind of communist?
Come and listen to my story.
‘Bout a man named Joe.
An old President,
Barely kept his country green
And then one day.
He was talking about the stocks,
And up through his desk came a-bubblin’ crude.Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.
banjo solo intensifies
EDIT: … Lol … I probably came off as some right wing nut job … I’m a Canadian leftist and someone who believes in more socialist forms of government and freedom (not to be confused with authoritarian communism or dystopian capitalism) … I was just making a commentary on how little the Americans and the American leadership was doing to fight global climate change … the ones with the most access to a global platform that everyone looks up to, and they aren’t saying or doing much to change anything for the betterment of everyone.
We are all going to die soon but I hope your state goes first in climate apocalypse
Winter is coming, those texans will freeze again.
Sir, as an American, please rest assured that we are as powerless as we seem. We are screaming about climate change but when about 30% of our population wake up and drown their half dozen braincells with Bud Light then loudly deny climate change even exists at the same volume, it does almost nothing to tell our leadership to make substantive changes. If it were up to me, I’d build 200 nuclear plants all across the Eastern seaboard and make the rich pay for it. But it’s not up to me. It’s not up to Joe. It’s up to a bunch of old men who will be long dead before the effects of their shit choices take hold.
Been a while since I’ve seen a reference to The Beverly Hillbillies.
Oh lol my bad, that happens to me sometimes. I say something satirical and it’s taken seriously. In all fairness, it did look like it.
