I’ve realized that I’m very mentally weak and it’s impacting my success.
I suspect I have ADHD and whenever I get an urge to distract myself, I rarely manage to resist it.
I think what I am missing is the residtance to discomfort that eg. allows sports people to carry on going even when their muscles are telling them to stop. Or the thing that allows people to defy themselves and step into an ice-cold shower.
Unfortunately I am not a person who enjoys sports and a cold shower is only something that makes sense once a day. Can you think of any exercises that I can do here and now in my room, and practice routinely that will strengthen my willpower so that I can better resist my urges in the future?
Dr K at Healthy Gamer has a tonne of really great advice for dealing with this and especially for ADHD sufferers. He talks about urge-surfing and how to develop and strengthen the parts of your brain that end up giving you back control in terms of decision making, willpower and responding to habits. Here’s a short on urge-surfing but have a dig thru the rest of the channel https://youtube.com/shorts/SUgJdsTCs0E?feature=share
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Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
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When you notice yourself not wanting to do something you know you should do, do it anyways. For me, it started with taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work. Snowball it from there. That’s really the only way, there aren’t shortcuts.
In my head i call it the “Rule of least want to do”. If i have 2-3 tasks that need doing (ususlly work related), i think of which thing i least want to do. That’s the thing i get done, then move down the line.
Yeah that’s basically the concept/book Eat that Frog. Basically if you Eat a Frog or do you least liked task first thing in the morning it makes everything else easier and not so bad.
Ahh I can imagine this helping. Can you remember any other examples?I think I’ve done stuff like this before with forcing myself to eat broccoli which I didn’t like but knew was good fkr me…
Sure! I used to hate doing the dishes and would let them pile up until I had no clean ones left, so then if I looked at the sink and saw that there were dishes I didn’t want to do, I’d do them anyways. When I wanted to stop, I’d just keep going until they were done. Even if my back started hurting and my hands were soggy, even when I was so bored I wanted to tear my eyes out, I’d just keep going until they were done.
Making your bed is something you can do every day to build willpower. You don’t HAVE to do it, and usually probably don’t want to, but it only takes like 5 minutes and makes your living space look nice, which makes it a good exercise.
Idk how old you are, but I’m old enough to no longer live with my parents. They’re like almost an hour away. When they call to invite me over, my knee-jerk reaction is to stay home, but I know they’re not gonna be around forever and I should see them every now and again, so I’ll force myself to go visit.
Going to the gym, or going on runs also helps. Working out is hard, and staying consistent is even harder. Lifting weights/getting exercise is just as much a mental battle as it is a physical one. 4-5 days per week, 5 exercises per session, 3 sets of 10 reps. It’ll take about an hour to complete. There are more efficient ways to work out, but that would be a good starting point. Alternatively, run/jog for 30 min, or go on an hour long walk 5 days per week.
In most cases it is not a lack of willpower but rather an exhaustion of the same. Try to arrange your daily routine around things you WANT to do and limit the things that burn attention and mental energy (doom-scrolling social media, ….).
It’s all about managing your (dopamine) resources economically.
Meditation. It’s scientifically proven to help with ADHD.
90% of willpower is preparation. Arrange your life to make the things you should do easier and the things you should avoid less convenient.
Example: To avoid sleeping in, or worse, dicking around on my phone instead of sleeping or getting up, I put my phone to charge on the other side of the bedroom.
Another: I put a speaker in my kitchen to listen to music when I wash dishes. A lot easier to wash just those last few pots, even if I feel like I’m ready for a break, if I want to finish the song.
For me, it’s 100% about positive self talk and mini goals. Instead of trying to motivate myself to run 5 miles, it’s one 100ft section at a time. Fix a goal I can see, then run there and give myself a mental high five for getting there. Then do it again one more time. And then one more time and on and on til I get to the end.
This is covered in a lot or depression literature, where you need to literally rewire your brain to defeat the attempt to reach homeostasis, which has become a depressed state. Little positive actions and thoughts that eventually rewire the neural pathways and create new ones little by little. If you want to learn more about that, the technical side made very understandable by a psychologist and neuroscientist who specializes in depression and anxiety, you should check out “The Upward Spiral”. It’s really good and i highly recommend it. It has helped me start the healing and coping process.
There is some good advice in this thread, but if you do have ADHD, then the advice is only as good as your ability to carry it out, and saying “just do the thing” will only end up demoralising you.
From my perspective (42, diagnosed with ADHD four years ago), it’s been damn near impossible for me to noticeably improve myself. It’s only when I reflect on my progress that I begin to notice positive changes.
Ultimately, it’s about training your perspective on a task. Are you failing to do things, or are you choosing to prioritise other tasks instead. Do those other tasks have positive outcomes (however tenuous they may be)? If this is the case, then you could work on choosing to prioritise the tasks that are expected of you.
In terms of my working day, my job is an issue for me, as it doesn’t really have a set form, and is almost entirely self-led. If I don’t do what’s expected of me, no one really notices, and that’s actually a problem for me, because left to my own devices I’ll gladly spend all day fucking about online, then feel like shit because I’ve not been productive*. So I’ve learned to tackle this by physically writing myself a To Do list first thing in the morning, that I then input into a daily timetable spreadsheet. Then I use an app called Cold Turkey to block access to websites of my choosing for a period of time. Only then am I able to focus on the tasks at hand.
In time, your brain will (hopefully) begin to mould itself around a different way of being, and while it will not likely become second nature to you, it will become easier to recognise when your distraction has taken control.
*of course, almost all of the problems we face are as a result of being forced to exist in a capitalist society, where we’re all trained to assign our personal worth to the worth of the work we produce. If we neurodivergents were able to live outside that paradigm, we’d be fine.
Yeah, this is what I’ve found too unfortunately. Brute forcing yourself to do stuff only progresses you at a snails pace.
I’m waiting to get diagnosed but its still a few months off so I’m trying this for now…I don’t think an app like cold turkey would work for me (don’t trust that I won’t disable it), but what I have managed to do in the past is dedicate a certain device to work tasks only, and also ban myself from using the internet in one certain room (I essentially tricked my brain to pretend that there was no WiFi there). I coukd focus way better in that room knowing that if I needed to use the internet, I’d first have to go all the way down the coridor.
I always get myself to do things I don’t want to by thinking “Future-me is going to be much happier when he finds that present-me did this already.”
Helps me find the motivation to exercise, make myself a good cup of coffee instead of a kcup, do the dishes after dinner, lots of things. And past me is such a bro, saved me from present-me having to do those things.
If you have ADHD, forget combating it with willpower. You need to reduce distractions.
But most of all, get diagnosed properly and then a psychotherapist can help you further, as might the appropriate meds.
Not exactly what you’re asking but possibly helpful-
I’ve found that ‘pairing’ the item of resistance to another established habit has been helpful. A decent example is putting my gym stuff on the bathroom counter. I have the habit of brushing my teeth in the morning and now I have my exercise clothes where I’m guaranteed to see them. It’s harder to make excuses and at this point you just gotta commit.
This might be more what you’re asking about-
I got the pairing idea from a great series on procrastination, Solving the Procrastination Puzzle by Tim Pychyl. The speaker takes the approach that resistance is not a matter of will power but a matter of emotional regulation. I recommend checking it out!
I listened to it on Waking Up but you might be able to find it elsewhere. Here’s a link to where I listened, free 30 days no credit card needed. (There is no incentive for me, just sharing what helped me) https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PK0AA14?source=content share&share_id=0FEBBC65&code=SC112CD68
I would say first and foremost be kind to yourself, @SubArcticTundra@lemmy.ml. Strengthening your willpower begins with good self-care techniques. Set regular, realistic, and achievable goals and when you achieve them, do something positive for yourself. Too often we are our own worst enemies and by beating yourself up you actually make it harder to achieve what you really want. This is something I struggle with even though I do not have ADHD. Will-power comes not from negative reinforcement but from the positive kind. 😀
Thanks for this reminder, you’re right it’s really easy to start blaming yourself for failing at things that it’s not your fault you’re failing at
I have found it useful, even healthy in stressfulness work situations, to allow myself the distraction - but only for a little while. This works fairly well for me.
Do one other thing. Play only one round of Minesweeper (yes, that’s me). Read only one thing on Lemmy. Pick one of those. Then get back to work. For a while, anyway.
If I am trying to get things done (write emails) do important research, ya know that kind of thing, I sprinkle in the things I want to do like procrastinate on lemmy, look up random shit, eat a snack, and then get back to the work at hand
The Science of Self Control is an excellent book about willpower and, well, self control. It goes into the science of it and how to use that to your advantage.
One thing I do is to reduce friction. You are more likely to do something if you make whatever it is easier to do. Conversely, if you want to stop doing something, increase friction (make it harder to do). Two examples:
You want to go to the gym in the mornings? Go to bed a bit earlier, get everything ready the night before, and maybe even sleep in your gym clothes.
Your want to stop eating cookies? Put them somewhere you’re less likely to walk past them or see them.
In your case, maybe try removing things that are distractions, e.g. put your phone on the other side of the room.
Sleeping in my gym clothes sounds like a radicaly effective move. Especially as it physocally connects evening me to tomorrow me, which I otherwise struggle to mentaly do…
When I was super down in different times of my life, I would sleep in my work clothes that way I would wake up and be on time for work. So yeah… this can be pretty effective.
Well, the research says that therapy is great, but only after you’re on meds. You don’t lack willpower, it’s a physiological problem that needs to be addressed by medical care.
Get tested for ADHD. If you have it, start working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and can prescribe medication if necessary.
Or the cheaper option drink a coffee. Did it make it easier to focus? Yes? Then ADHD, so drink lots of coffee. Lol, but seriously just get tested.
Is the coffee thing real? I’ve been thinking about getting tested, but if the coffee thing is real I really should. I thought it helped everyone focus, though I recognize I drink a lot more than average
Have you ever had this happen to you?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fYg5hSgtug
I thought I was neurotypical but when I found out this wasn’t normal I realized I must have ADHD.
Oh fuck me. I looked up how expensive it was to get tested earlier and was like na, not worth it, but that video fucked me up. I always thought I was just better at cleaning when I had a clean kitchen and did things in the right order… Which often involves a quick trip to the store…
So I don’t know you or how much you make, but if you’re an American and you make under a certain amount a year, Healthcare through the ACA can be very affordable. You will have to take time and look because it is convoluted as hell, but if you decide to, prioritize mental health services coverage and you can find some Silver plans that offer really affordable therapy. Mine is Bluecross Blue Shield and I pay $89 a month, but my therapy is free with no caps on how often i can go.
Hope this helps.
Thanks man. I get insurance though the market but make enough that my healthcare is pretty sub par for $200/mo. I like to call it my “if I go into a comma, I won’t wake up wishing I hadn’t” insurance plan.
