Hi, I’m Jasmine.
This post is a bit of a vent, but I also genuinely need help and comfort. I hope this is appropriate to talk about here and that I don’t ruin the vibe of this community too much.
I’m tired with myself repressing my gender. I’m tired with me telling myself maybe I can live happily as a boy, maybe I can convince myself, or maybe this is all fake somehow. I feel like I’m not meant to be a girl, that I am meant to be a boy, and that I shouldn’t transition because it’s against my cultures. And my internalized transphobia sometimes made me think like a bigot when given the chance.
I’ve done my best to avoid lashing my internalized transphobia to anyone, even online, and I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll continue to do my best to support trans people, but ironically it’s hard for me to support myself.
I know this all sounds so negative, but it’s been eating away at my mental health. I need help.
I just wanted someone to reassure me that it’s okay for me to transition and that there is nothing wrong with being transgender. I would also greatly appreciate sites and resources for trans people to reassure me that it’s okay to be trans.
There is nothing wrong with you being trans <3
If your culture is transphobic, you are allowed to just ignore or reject the bigoted parts (or any other parts you have no interest in) and be the woman you want to be (and are). Culture is malleable, personal, multidimensional, and you can decide what parts you like and don’t, and choose which parts you care about nya, and adopt or wholesale create your own ideas of culture or the cultures you are a part of (online, offline, or otherwise).
You have the right to self-determination and people saying it’s not ok to exist as yourself and act to make that happen can take their opinions and shove them. That’s my opinion and I hope it helps you feel better about yourself :)
If your culture is transphobic, you are allowed to just ignore or reject the bigoted parts (or any other parts you have no interest in) and be the woman you want to be (and are).
I know, but… idk… it still feels wrong. I’ve been taught for a very long time that trans people have no place in my culture, and that it is my duty to uphold my masculinity. I know I’m wrong, but it’s really hard to deprogram yourself after years of being taught.
I guess more exposure to trans culture will help, but it’s hard when even interacting with the trans community feels wrong. Maybe you know a way to make it easier?
But, I’ll be honest, my biggest problem right now is just how much I’ve tried to seek out transphobic content lately, it’s almost like a form of self harm. It’s even worse when I internalized and accepted the transphobic things I’ve found.
Of course, it’s harmful, and I’ve tried my best to stop myself from looking at transphobic content. But, in a way, I keep coming back for no reason.
I just wanted a way to stop myself from thinking and accepting transphobic stuff within. Maybe you know a way to help me stop looking at transphobic content as a form of self harm?
I know, but… idk… it still feels wrong. I’ve been taught for a very long time that trans people have no place in my culture, and that it is my duty to uphold my masculinity. I know I’m wrong, but it’s really hard to deprogram yourself after years of being taught.
Honestly, I don’t have much in the way of easy ideas of how to deal with this. I’d start by deconstructing the idea of “duty” entirely, try and take time to understand what might have caused you to feel that way as well as trying to examine your own reasoning. If it’s that you’ve had the concept “drilled in”, then my best bet would be to make a conscious effort to understand the exact flaws in that idea based on what you actually value, and then every time you start feeling that way, manually retread those reasoning steps to deconstruct the feeling nya.
It’s not easy to do this, it requires continuous conscious effort to examine your own thoughts, but if you do it often, you can start to change this semi-instinctive thought process and avoid it.
Also reminding yourself of your own negative feelings towards the concept at the same time can help, I would think.
I guess more exposure to trans culture will help, but it’s hard when even interacting with the trans community feels wrong. Maybe you know a way to make it easier?
I don’t know a way to make it super easy. Making specific trans friends with shared hobbies may help, if spending time with them is enjoyable it will make it easier to avoid drifting away because of the fact your feel shame at being associated with trans people. Also just try and specifically and consciously remind yourself that it is not wrong to associate with trans people when you start to feel that way. Basically the same advice as previous, which requires a fair amount of effort nya
But, I’ll be honest, my biggest problem right now is just how much I’ve tried to seek out transphobic content lately, it’s almost like a form of self harm. It’s even worse when I internalized and accepted the transphobic things I’ve found.
Of course, it’s harmful, and I’ve tried my best to stop myself from looking at transphobic content. But, in a way, I keep coming back for no reason.
I just wanted a way to stop myself from thinking and accepting transphobic stuff within. Maybe you know a way to help me stop looking at transphobic content as a form of self harm?
I honestly don’t know an easy solution. I’ve only experienced this a little bit, and for me it mostly comes in the form of getting myself involved in unhealthy and stressful internet debates and having it consume my attention very disproportionately.
The best I can suggest is be very aggressive in blocking these kinds of things from any feeds you might be reading them on, but for stuff you actively seek out this doesn’t help as much, and it doesn’t stop whatever the underlying issue is that causes you to seek out hurtful things - being in a stressful and presumably unsafe cultural environment certainly won’t be helping I imagine ;-;.
Reading about trans people being happy might be helpful too. Often, a lot of trans communities and media about trans people is focused on our misery, death, suffering, etc. nya. However, trans people can be and are often happy too, transition itself is deeply liberating and has made me a much happier person in my experience. Gender euphoria is a thing and it’s great, and if you are like myself experience compersion (happiness when others are happy even if you aren’t directly taking part, often used with respect to polyamorous relationships but it can also apply to other things) this may help somewhat.
Hi, Jasmine,
Yes, it is perfectly okay to transition in any way that you want. It does not make you selfish. You don’t “owe it to your culture” to continue repressing by pretending to be something that you’re not. There is nothing wrong with being trans, and there is nothing wrong with you being yourself.
As for tackling your internalized transphobia, I would encourage you to stop intentionally seeking out transphobic content online - as you have already identified it is a form of digital self-harm. If there are specific sites that you’re going to I would intentionally try to avoid going to them, or block yourself from going there if the impulse is too strong. I think doing this will be a pretty good step, to stop exposing yourself to all the transphobic rhetoric.
I have also found mindfulness helpful in overcoming internalized transphobia to help analyze your thoughts and where they are coming from, but I’m no expert. I would recommend talking with an LGBT+ friendly therapist if you are in a position to see one.
Yes, it is perfectly okay to transition in any way that you want. It does not make you selfish. You don’t “owe it to your culture” to continue repressing by pretending to be something that you’re not. There is nothing wrong with being trans, and there is nothing wrong with you being yourself.
You’re right. Maybe there’s a reason “going against your culture and parents to do the right thing” is a common trope, and we consider the charactes who did it hero instead of villain.
Still, it’d be hard to reprogram decades of anti-trans stance brought on from my culture, even more so when it’s still proliferating and as things gets worse for us.
As for tackling your internalized transphobia, I would encourage you to stop intentionally seeking out transphobic content online - as you have already identified it is a form of digital self-harm.
It’s easy for me to avoid them most of the time, but it’s very hard when my mood is low. Worse, most of my transphobia nowadays comes from my head, not contents from the internet. I can’t exactly turn off my brain to avoid thinking of transphobic thoughts…
block yourself from going there if the impulse is too strong.
A good number of transphobia I had is from anti-trans laws news, which I find easily from most trans communities. When I hear transphobic laws passed, I tried my best to justify them even though I didn’t agree with them. It’s like I’m putting effort to become transphobic, even though deep down I don’t want to.
I would recommend talking with an LGBT+ friendly therapist if you are in a position to see one.
I think I might if things get worse, but there’s practically no LGBT friendly therapists around, nor do I have the money to see one.
Maybe I can contact a trans friendly hotline if they operate worldwide. Maybe like the trevor project or something like that.
Hey there Jasmine - this part resonated with me almost word-for-word:
I feel like I’m not meant to be a girl, that I am meant to be a boy, and that I shouldn’t transition because it’s against my cultures.
Literally this is what i read (from this article) that kicked my transition into gear:
As a child, I knew with unwavering conviction that I was a boy. I had boy parts, I did boy things, and everyone treated me like a boy. There was never any doubt or distress about my gender. I may not have fit in well with the other boys, but there were lots of other reasons for that. I still knew I was one of them.
and then a little later
In the years before realizing I was trans, my therapist and I would often debate the meaning of gender identity. I insisted I didn’t have one. She strongly suspected otherwise. Sure, I’d researched the effects of feminizing hormone therapy and loved everything about it, but that didn’t mean I was a woman. Yes, I’d been using a female persona online ever since the days of dial-up chat rooms, but again, that didn’t mean I was one. It was just a fantasy. Cross-dressing was just a fantasy. Wanting to be a woman does not make you a woman, I insisted. Trans women believe they are women; I believed I was a man. Therefore, I could not be trans.
In retrospect, refusing to begin a gender transition because I didn’t already feel like a woman was like refusing to take flying lessons because I didn’t already feel like a pilot.
I could not find a better way to express to anyone else why I never started this sooner.
it’s been eating away at my mental health. I need help.
Please get help. I don’t know where you are, what country you’re in, what your family/support situation is, but I assure you there is absolutely help for you out there. Feel free to DM me :-)
Hi Jasmine, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with accepting yourself and deconstructing your own internalized transphobia. Youre not alone, and many trans women struggle with accepting being transgender and with self directed transphobia. It’s completely okay for you to be a girl, and there’s nothing wrong with being a trans one. You deserve a happy life surrounded by compassionate loved ones who appreciate you for who you are. Hiding who you are and trying to be someone you’re not isn’t fair to you.
I think honestly right now its so important for you to explore your own identity, your own gender. Try to internalize a concept of yourself that is distinct from other people, separated from any pressures imposed on you by the society you exist within and those around you. You are the person who has to be you for the rest of your life, nobody else has to wake up and be you every day. No one else should have a say in how you find happiness and who you truly are. Talk with people who support you, even if it’s only online right now. Introspect, ask yourself questions you’ve always shied away from. Do things you’ve always stopped yourself from doing, think about things your gut tells you not to. It might seem like that wouldn’t help with deconstructing your transphobia, but you need to stop seeing your trans identity as being lesser. And to do that you have to build confidence in your identity.
I always shied away from anything trans because I thought so many cultures are opposed to us. But you’re right, in a vacuum, I would me more than happy to be a girl, at least a part of me (we’re a bit plural). I think I should not stop dreaming to be a girl one day.
I feel that it’s wrong to go against everyone, so selfish. Then again, there’s a reason that defying what your culture say is a common trope in movies. Think of Moana, Cinderella, Romeo and Juliet, or even Aladdin.
