INDIANAPOLIS–Despite assuming that he had lost every last possible ounce of hope long ago, area office-supply coordinator Bob Dempsey, 31, was surprised to discover Monday that he did, in fact, possess one tiny additional shred of hope, which he subsequently lost.

“Contrary to the belief of coworkers, neighbors, distant relatives, and Mr. Dempsey himself, this so-called ’hopeless’ man actually still had one infinitesimally small shred of hope, which he became aware of in the process of losing said last shred of hope,” said noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum