I get a call from a relative about their firestick being stuck at the Amazon logo so I start looking into it. This person is relatively decent when it comes to not bricking their devices (they won’t just shut the power off during an update for example) so I start operating off of the expectation that this is probably a reasonable problem.

The usual unplug it, wait a bit, plug it back in fails. Try using a different power brick to power the devices fails. Try using the USB power on the back of the TV instead of a powerbrick fails. Stuck on boot logo still- ok, time to start considering researching software-related solutions on my end. I initially go to “let’s just factory reset this thing” because it seems like a reasonable step at this point and should solve the problems (or definitively tell me that the unit is broken).

In attempting to fulfill the quest of factory resetting I find out:

1. Firesticks have no physical reset button the devices. The only possible input is a microusb power port (more on this in a bit)
2. Because of this design choice, the factory reset process is dependent upon a button combination on the remote from within a functional device
3. When stuck in the boot sequence, the remote isn’t paired so the ability to send that button combination isn’t possible

I had no idea prior to today how absurdly irritating the combination of poor hardware design choice (no physical reset button) and downstream terrible software design (needing the signal for reset requiring a failing device to not be failing) could ever be seen as a reasonable product spec.

I’m already irritated by this combination, but fuck it, let’s continue on and see if, like with the Kindle products, there’s some tomfuckery where if you know certain arcane sequences of settings, menus, and inputs you can get into a vendor mode/debug/etc type mode to operate further.

Turns out, the firestick can be sent a signal using alt +prntscrn + i from a keyboard during boot. Awesome, now if only the physical hardware had a place for a USB plug for this! I know the device has to be powered, so some adapter daisy-chain is going to have to be used in order to provide that as well as enable me to plug in a usb device.

This wonderful abomination is used by pirates (one of hellworld’s few remaining heroes) to load USB media off of flash drives to play through apps on the device. They’re ~7 imperial war bucks and useless beyond this narrow case, but hey at least it helps me help this working-class person who is probably gonna use it to watch someone on MSNBC say “The walls are finally closing in on Trump and maybe we shouldn’t be so pessimistic about the capitalist hellscape that is destroying the planet in new and exciting ways via climate change but also no one should do anything because that would be violence which is bad.”

Don’t go down that line of thought right now- stay focused on the goal.

Device arrives, plugged into the microusb slot, keyboard plugged into the adapter that provides the functionality amazon probably intentionally didn’t include to either make the average “sane” person say:

“This device is irreparably broken; I should buy a new one.” or “This probably isn’t worth going through the trouble of fixing; I should buy a new one.”

Since I’ve already been driven to a spite-capitalism-in-all-ways-filled existence by living in this world, I fortunately don’t have the capability to allow planned obsolescence device get the best of me and hold down alt, prntscrn, and spam i during the sequence… nothing.

Second attempt, alt + prntscrn + i, startup boot sequence is interrupted and I make it into profile selection. The device works again.

It infuriates me that this device exists in a way where this is the route that has to be taken to even get a chance to factory reset it. The idea that locking this standard (and often necessary procedure to prevent e-waste) device option behind remote control functionality that is beyond the point of failure (and fairly common per searches) was what someone decided to be a reasonable and shippable choice when that route is used as a last resort to fix broken functionality is beyond comprehension. It’s a decision that can only be reasonably made in hellworld where disposable commodities are a society’s pinnacle of innovation.

What irritates me the most is knowing that some shithead team of McKinsey ghouls were probably paid an absurd amount of money to create a slideshow with a chart (exclusively featured in the executive summary) with a little star at the forecasted profit-maximizing point showing that removing repair functionality will increase electronic waste, and profits, to maximally-desired levels.

Because who gives a fuck if we destroy the world, profit has a direct positive correlation with Misery Index, this strategy was/is economically sound and we’re all the worse for it.

1. Death to Amazon

2. Death to the Fire Stick product line

3. Death to McKinsey first and foremost and all the other management consulting firms after it

4. Death to America