Is it really harder to find true, meaningful friendships (not romantic and/or sexual) in more ‘adult’ years or is this an introverts problem? I am quite introverted at first, I would never just start a friendly conversation with a stranger and work friends usually are just work friends. I moved to UK in 2019 and since then I had few different jobs and connected with people from work, but none of them wanted to stay in touch outside work. I was a bit confused, as I thought those people enjoyed my company as much I did theirs. Not even sure if this is maybe a cultural thing? I grew up in Poland and Eastern European people are more direct than British, so you know straight away of they like you or not. What are your experiences? How do you deal with meeting new people?
I think it’s more of a structural issue. During adolescence we’re incentivized to socialize with others. School is a community environment, with one of its primary functions being to socialize people gradually into adulthood. Once out of this environment, building connections with others takes active effort. No longer are we encouraged to make friends by our surroundings.
A lot of great places to meet new people and start to form bonds with them are community or interest groups. If you have a hobby or want to get into one, there are generally plenty of options in your local area. Sites like Meetup can be a great starting place for finding these kinds of groups
Most friendships are based around convince. After a long enough period, and a little intentionality, you drift into friendships that based simply on the fact that you’re friends.
Take a moment and think about where you’ve met your friends over your life. School, work, sports, volunteering, your neighborhood, etc. These are all excuses to get together and see each other over and over that aren’t focused on the relationship itself. After a little while, you figure out which people in the group you like that have the time and interest to be friends with you. You won’t always get your way, but you can literally put yourself out there as much as possible and make friends when the opportunities arise.
You don’t have to be the life of the party, you just need a reasonable excuse to see the same people over and over.
I have childhood friends. I have romantic partners. I have adult friendships are based around convenience. My social life is the web of friendships surrounding my childhood friends and my romantic partners plus the current convenience friends.
Writing that out I realize I might not have deep friendships with people I’ve met as an adult because I don’t extend my social circle to include more of their friends. I’m just a dangling friendship in their lives not part of their larger network of friends.
I wonder what that’s about.
I mean, there is only do much time in the day. You can only have so many good friends. Who are you going to prioritize, the ones you’ve had for years, or the new ones that might not pan out?
You’ve also hit another good point. Friendships are often based around friendship groups, instead of being a series of one-on-one connections. Sure, within the group you’ll have your favorites, but there’s usually a standard list you invite for social events. If you’re not going to join the group, you’re not likely to become a strong friend to just the one individual.
I’ve found in adulthood that having many one on one connections is exhausting. It’s just a matter of efficiency to have a “friend group” or at least get your friends to be acquaintances with each other.
It’s also that when you are in a group you are usually gonna carry like 20-30% of the conversational load rather than 50% (plus or minus).
I think you are spot on about the convenience.
One of the most effective ways to build social relationships is to be a regular somewhere. Could be a bar, cafe, park, library, front yard, walking route, gym, or a more organized hobby group. Just be a familiar face and appear at least once a week (more is better). Something local to you is going to make the barrier to getting off the couch and being at your regular spot all the lower, to make sure you’re sticking with it.
If there isn’t something near you that feels like the “right fit” for you to spend your time, it’s a worthy goal to put in the work to make it that way.
I’m very extroverted. I have no trouble making new friends that are interested in a hobby or like to meet up at a certain place. In the 24 years since I graduated high school haven’t met a new friend who just wants to meet up, hang out, and do whatever because life is more fun with friends. Back in my school days I was pretty bad at making new friends but the friends I did make were legit. I still keep in touch with them and we don’t need a plan to have fun.
If anyone has any insights or tips on how to make solid friends as an adult I’d love to hear it.
It’s not easy and will take effort. I think as adults we forget how slow the process of making friends can be. As kids we would spend most of our day with the same set of kids, so we had a lot of time together, but as adults we go to 1 or 2 meetups and give up if we haven’t made connections yet.
I suggest starting small. Search for meetups in your area for activities that interest you, such as a game night or a trivia night - if you’re into that. That way the focus is on the activity itself and not forcing you to strike up a conversation with a stranger out of the blue.
It definitely takes effort. However I do get discouraged if I feel like I’m the only one working on trying to keep the connection. Loads of my previous friendships was just me always starting the conversation or suggesting to meet or do something together and it does makes me feel like I’m bothering them, but I suppose thats ‘my problem’ I do have hobbies, I’ve been active in one for over 10 years and had connections with seweral people, but we stopped talking for one or the other reason. I will have to look out for local craft groups, maybe that will work.
I moved to another country after graduating college and been staying for more than 5 years. I made 2 good friends, after all this time. 1 of them got married and having kids, we lost touch quickly after. And the other one is still going on only for one activity, hiking, which we only meet up a few times a year. I learned that I gotta put the energy to invite them sometimes.
Yes. I moved away when i graduated college and finding people is immensely difficult. My social skills arent great(and tbh i dont think most peoples are either) and the idea of talking to strangers feels like a foreign language in and of itself
I started climbing and gained some friends through that. Activities with other peoples have helped me make friends. Then you invite them to spend time with you to do different activities, they invite you to do other things. And you make a little web of friendships.
Social activities of any kinds are where it’s at, and many others who’ve commented here have the right idea.
It can be a lot more difficult to develop and maintain good friendships as an adult. You really need a longstanding topic to bond over. When you are younger you have education and daily interaction to bring you together.
I’ve found that to build friendships you really need to do something, enjoy something together and do it with some regularity. This is why joining a group where there is already a joint focus is recommended.
It is a bit of putting yourself out there and it can feel really lonely, I know.
I’m dealing with this myself, and as others have said as people exit education and enter the workforce, there’s often fewer opportunities to meet new people and develop friendships. In school you had multiple classes with all new people to get to know, in the workplace you’re usually working with the same dozen or so people. I personally also have a detached workplace persona that’s very different from me outside of work, and that barrier naturally makes it harder to make genuine connections.
Local events like farmers markets or board game nights at a local game store are great ways to meet new people, it just takes some proactive effort to find them, actually show up, and be open to conversation.
My two cents: make friends with other immigrants? Polish, Greek, Italian, Spanish, Ukrainian, Latinamerican… must be full of them, no need to make British friends if they don’t make it easy for you.
It helps to get a hobby that involves other people. I’ve met lots of friendly people playing board games, and the hobby gives you something natural to talk about.
It is a little funny though. A lot of the time people give that as advice to meet women. I’m a man, and when I got into a hobby that interested me, it was 90% men that I met! It’s anecdotal, sure, but many of the women I have met were coming with their SOs. Still, it’s been fun, but I wonder what hobby I need to get into to meet all the women.
I may finally break down and get an account on Bumble or something. My work is male-dominated for various reasons I have little influence over, I don’t want to start going to church (though I could probably tolerate the local Unitarian Universalist congregation), and I don’t like to drink either, so bars are out. I’m exjw with JW family, so family matchmaking is out. I might not have many other options, though honestly I don’t feel like I need to be in a relationship either, so I suppose I can wait.
Yeah, it is definitely harder as an adult. I’m not really at a stage in my life at the moment where I’m looking to make new friends (I feel like I’m just barely staying afloat with life and keeping up with my existing friends), but even still I’ve struggled with it over the years.
My brother actually moved to England with his family for work and had a very similar experience as you. He said that everyone was very friendly, but no one wanted to actually engage in any meaningful way. After two years and essentially zero friends they came back. He’s from New England in the USA, which is kind of known for being standoffish, but even still he was shocked by the experience.
I do think the best way these days is to look for Meetups. People that go to them are generally all specifically looking to meet people which helps get over the awkwardness of actually meeting and talking to strangers.
Go find a “new in town” event. There will (usually) be people who also have no friends there that are motivated to make some.
