Such a long title.
Basically I’m wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I’ve heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.
I’ve also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I’ve never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.
So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?
Something I worry about, but haven’t seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I’m the one who feels bad, so I’m going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.
There are people I didn’t treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.
Reading this thread, however, it doesn’t look like that’s how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.
I think it can depend. In many cases people move on from things and they probably aren’t thinking about it, but if they still feel affected then it might be meaningful to them to have it acknowledged.
Give it a rethink. Yes it’s true that you are the one feeling bad, but sometimes you worry more about how the other person could feel. Sometimes an apology can help bring closure to someone. But you are right, it may not.
I agree with you. In my case, I waited until a person I had wronged 30 years before reached out to me on facebook. Her contact gave me the opening to apologize. She claimed to have forgotten the incident, but I don’t think that was true (for complicated reasons). But she accepted my apology.
We became close again for a while, but then she quit returning my calls and I let her be. At least I got to make my peace.