Everyone knows relationships are hard work. Everyone knows that relationships hit roadblocks and whatever the fuck else. Fucking why. What’s the point? Be with a person that you mostly tolerate most of the days that you exist? And even then, they still might betray you in a horrible way. I’ve dealt with a lot of pain and stress and loss in my life, and when the happy shit gets sour, I just don’t fucking get it. Why not just live my life fucking off and dying eventually.
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A great relationship with another person is worth more than the effort involved. They provide more to your life than you need to invest.
The problem is finding that person that does that for you.
You could go through a hundred or a handful of relationships to find that person. Until you have enough relationship experience to understand what you need in a partner, you will never know what it is like to find that special person that makes everything before them worth all that you have experienced.
The numbers aren’t great. You are almost guaranteed to have to deal with some shit and have bad relationships in order to find that person. The worst part? Sometimes you aren’t enough to deserve that person and it is up to you to become the person that your perfect partner deserves. Understanding that you aren’t good enough for your perfect partner is hard, and becoming that person is harder. You do deserve to find that undeniable perfect love, if you can understand and work on your faults to deserve them.
The fault is almost certainly you. Strive to be better than your perfect partner deserves and be that person for them. Know when you find that person and understand what you need to be to surpass their expectations, surpass those expectations because they always deserve better than you are and you can be better than their needs in a partner.
That being said, if you can be happy alone, then be alone and live your best life without someone factored into your happiness equation. There is nothing that says you must have a partner to be happy, except your own needs. If you can be happy sexless and living life, great for you. That is a harder path because having someone to lean on when you need strength is hard, but not inviable.
No matter, be a better person to other than you were yesterday.
Understand yourself and be who you are, meant to be to be happy, even if that means your path in life is traveled alone.
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This is really solid advice here. Unfortunately most people are not able to follow this thinking. Sometimes you find someone but they change later. This usually happens when you get together at a younger age. The person you were with at 22 is totally different than the person they are at 30. Sometimes you “jump the gun” and get pregnant or get someone pregnant before you really get to know them. This happens when it’s been less than a few years and you haven’t experienced all the different emotions and feelings that happen with life and shit going wrong. How a person is when life is good is not a reflection of how they will behave when life turns sour.
My suggestion for people is to just wait. Wait before getting married. Wait before having kids. And wait before buying a house or other large purchases together. It took me to almost 40 and 5ish serious relationships and many not so serious relationships before finding my wife.
You are completely free to do that. Most people get lonely - everyone doesn’t need a romantic partner per se, but a lot of people do and that’s fine as well. Everyone has to figure out what they want, and what they’re willing to do to make it happen.
As a stranger on the internet, I’ll just draw attention to “mostly tolerate” as something a therapist (which I am not) would probably want you to elaborate on. That does not sound like a healthy relationship, which explains why you take a dim view of them.
I had a bout of this thinking a few years ago. If you keep at it, improving yourself and nudging the other person along, you grow out of this fugue state. If it reaches breaking point and one of you can’t relent, you’ll break up and move on.
But if you don’t, and it blossoms, it becomes a wonderful space to be in.
A very wise person once told me that the person you spend your life with must be first and foremost, your best friend. If they’re not that, then it’ll always be an uphill battle.
I find more joy and contentment in being a bachelor, to be honest. I also have a lot more spending money as a bachelor, go figure.
It’s okay to go that route; no relationships or only limited, superficial ones.
Voluntary bachelorhood is bliss. More money, more time, more travel. No looming decades of childcare bills, healthcare bills, or the relatively high probability of maintenance payments til death.
“Volbach” should be the term.
I believe the term is “Fuckboy”.
Kinda weird it hurts your feelings that much, bud.
It just is the literal term? Sorry if that hurts your feelings, sweetheart. Nothing wrong with a fuckboy who’s upfront.
Ah, I get it. A man who chooses his own money, time, and interests over a romantic relationship somehow threatens you on a deeper psychological level. Kind of pathetic.
Dude what? No. Calm down. Google Fuckboy. It’s that easy. Let me help you.
fuckboy ˈfʌkbɔɪ noun vulgar slang derogatory 1 a weak or contemptible man. 2 a man who has many casual sexual partners
So the second use case. Unless you mean a voluntary bachelor is having noncasual relationships and intercourse with one woman? Then moving in? And sharing a life?
Again, nothing wrong with a fuckboy who is open about things being casual and uninterested in further relationship development and intimacy.
Most successful relationships have far more positive parts than negative. If it feels like tolerating, yeah that isn’t a successful relationship.
Game theory does not apply to relationships, my friend. A healthy relationship requires hard work from both parties involved, so that you can be stronger and happier together that you would be alone. I hope you find that love in your life and when that day comes, that you are ready for it.
A good partner is one that brings you more joy than pain.
My partner is a great friend to me but sometimes I cry from their disinterest. The look of exasperation I get breaks my heart more each time. I had to move for work so I tried dating other people but it ruined my self esteem from the people that were willing to date me. Life felt like purgatory waiting for something to happen. If I kept trying to find someone new I think i would have overdosed by now. It was easier to go back. Life feels stuck with no change in sight but at least I’m not totally alone anymore.
Life is mostly shit, but with moments of happiness. Sharing it with someone adds more shit to both of you, but also more moments of happiness.
Though the ratio differs from person to person, overall there is a net gain of happiness having someone to share your life with.
It’s a viable strategy. Most people seek comfort in the presence of others, but you can have that with friendships and occasional hookups just as well. In fact most long term relationships I know really revolve around raising kids more than anything.
I think its just individual taste. My wife and I both have had enough problems in life, both apart and together, that we are looking to just try and keep things as good as possible and not make unnecessarily problems for ourselves. As such we like being together over being with someone who is not like this and we are stronger together than we are alone. The term mostly tolerate I guess could work but I think it more like how cats like to be content.
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I mean, you may have stumbled upon the answer yourself. Have you considered that you might just be happier alone? There are ways to have your sexual needs met without having to pair up with someone forever.
As for what the point is, that’s something that everyone has to figure out for themselves. Everybody is different and no two relationships are the same. You can keep trying and maybe get the results you are hoping for, but it takes effort and a genuine desire to not just make a connection but to keep it as well.
My suggestion? Take a break from dating for a bit. Just delete the apps and don’t even think about courtship at all. Live your best single life for a year and see how you feel. If you decide that maybe you want to try again, good. If you figure you are better of not bothering, then that’s fine too.
It is true that relationships require work, but they are worth it. It just depends on the choices you make. In the end, everything is a decision. Starting with the partner you want to share your life with and ending with the course of the relationship. We may not realise it at the time, but that’s the way it is. If you love someone, you have to make an effort to be with them.
A relationship isn’t all honey, feelings are complicated and sometimes you have to put things into perspective. But if you find a great partner and a healthy relationship, you’ll see that everything will fall into place.
A toxic relationship can be more intriguing than a healthy one at times. The last one may seem boring. So it all depends on the choices you make.
If you like being alone, that’s fine, but don’t lie to yourself. I did the same thing when I was younger. I believed that I didn’t require anyone or that I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to, but I was wrong.
Ultimately, most of us desire to have someone to come home to. It’s just up to you whether you choose a partner who will bring you peace or problems.
