What the title says. Well intentioned, often other “neurodivergent” people look at your life, your autism, and say: “you should mask harder.”
For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won’t go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.
I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, “you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic.”
But isn’t this just saying “mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else”?
Every piece of “autism advice” I see even in “neurodivergent friendly” communities is basically “how to be less autistic.”
It’s not “mask harder” - it is “don’t be autistic”.
I deliberately started masking less, and 6 months later my wife left me.
What else is there to do when people don’t accommodate?
Unfortunately the world isn’t made for us and doesn’t understand — or want to understand — us. The only thing we have the ability to change is ourselves. It’s tiring and overwhelming and stupid, but using logic to cater to others emotional irrationality is just something we have to do to survive.
Yes, “mask harder” is a bad suggestion, but it’s the only one we have the power to do anything about. 😞
I’m pretty sure I’ve annoyed allistics (NT or ND) friends and acquaintances by bringing up philosophy, sex, politics, religion, etc much more readily than normally “appropriate”.
I’ll continue to otherwise be friendly with them but on this they can get fucked. The only time I’m enduring “safe” small talk is when I’m at work.
The key here is to accept that not everyone needs to be your friend… unless you live in the middle of nowhere or in rural bumfuck (or as mentioned before you are at work). Then because the number of friends you’ll potentially have will always be countable on 1-2 hands and you wont be able to afford losing one.
The actual good advice is: move to highly populated areas, accept that you’ll alienate a large portion of people, and settle on the percentage of cool ones.
Unfortunately, moving to a populated place is expensive. So first get a job, and save up for the move.
We all wear a mask.
I’m not autistic (that I know of), but I do have ADHD so I can be a bit extra sometimes. I’ve realized that it’s a different mask for every person or group of friends.
Occasionally I run into people with whom the mask is pretty much transparent. Those are my favorite people. I’m a lot more fun around them. So as long as I get to choose, these are the people I hang out with.
My current job (well, former job - I’m a contractor now) is actually great, because like half the team is people like that. I can make stupid ass jokes or rant about things, and it’s all good.
you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs
I don’t think this is a NT vs Autism thing. There are topics that, depending on the environment, are taboo and not to be discussed. Figuring out these rules is confusing (or at least, not automatic) for Autistic peeps, but actually following the rules is something both NT and autistic people must do. Whether or not you call it masking, it’s still something that both groups are subjected to.
Rules are easy for my autistic self, it’s when the rules are pointless, never explained, and enforced purely on vibe. For instance, as a rule you should always rinse and brush away as much of the gunk on dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. This isn’t hard to understand or follow for me, it makes perfect sense. Now if the rule is to “read the room” ok, cool that’s not specific, it has no clear goal, it’s entirely vague. But it’s also against reading the room to ask about reading the room and when asked NT people can’t generally explain the structure to the rule.
“Read the room” is not a rule. “Read the room” is a skill of knowing how the people in the room are feeling.
The rule that skill serves is, “don’t say things that people in the room can’t handle hearing right now”
Obvious example: avoid chattering happily about your recent raise in front of people who are miserable they just got laid off.
Usually, people dismissively saying “read the room” mean, “I know that you are capable of feeling and understanding other people’s emotions, would you please fucking pay attention to that skill right now?” (This is plenty common even for not-autistic people) But of course for autistic people that assumption is just incorrect. People saying that to autistic people need to read the room.
I’m sorry but I completely disagree, read the room is entirely a rule. If you think social expectations are merely skills and not rules then idk where to really take this because society, socializing, it’s all rules of which skill can allow you to bend and sometimes break. For instance it’s against the rules to be happy at a funeral, even if you’re happy but if you’re socially skilled you can manage it.
I think you’re getting stuck on people saying “read the room” not all the unspoken rules that ND people have to navigate simply because not doing it is rude. If I get asked “how are you” and I reply “I don’t know why I’m alive anymore” I am considered an asshole not the person asking questions they don’t want answers to. I have to follow the unspoken rules that they don’t really give a fuck about me, they don’t care how I’m doing, and that I need to lie even if I’m uncomfortable with it because they forced me to.
I would argue that it’s moreso that there are many more specific and clear social rules, but most people don’t know how to explain them, so when asked, they just say “read the room”. As another person said, it might also be a reminder or shorthand of something that you are assumed to already know intuitively.
I think part of the skill is tone, which is kinda dumb since the truth you communicate is basically the same. Even so, something like “I don’t know why I’m alive anymore” might be considered rude while something like “eh” or “not great” or “same as usual” (hopefully that’s not your usual) or even something like “well, I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by current events recently” would generally not be seen as rude. You can still say something that’s true; you just have to soften things. It would be easier if the softening was not necessary, but as people have gotten at earlier, you have more power to change yourself that to change how the rest of the world reacts to things.
I don’t see how it can’t be a NT vs autism thing.
They’re only taboo subjects because society (primarily NTs) decided they were taboo.
Autistic people have to follow the rules set by NTs, not the other way around.
They’re only taboo subjects because society (primarily NTs) decided they were taboo.
Autistic people have to follow the rules set by NTs, not the other way around.
I’m 50/50 on this.
People running a social scene (generally NTs) set the cadence, yes.
Thoughts/questions/ponderings:
- Do autistic people, as individuals, not have rules in their own head about how people should interact with them?
- Are there not rules that both autistic peeps and NTs have in common?
- In social groups composed entirely of autistic people, would another set of norms emerge that could get someone in the group scolded if they broke them, just like in the rest of society?
- When a NT person upsets an autistic person because they broke a norm they weren’t familiar with, wouldn’t they also feel bad and try to remember not to do that in the future?
Some taboos exist for good reason and apply across the board. We don’t greet strangers by asking them how their genitals are feeling, for example (although that would be hilarious).
I think I agree with Savvy more.
- Do autistic people, as individuals, not have rules in their own head about how people should interact with them?
I’m sure most do, but it’s far more likely for their rules to be ignored/overridden if they don’t fit in with society’s idea of normal.
For example, an autistic person who does not like being touched is more likely to be seen as the “problem” than someone who tries to shake their hand or give them a hug. People who are close to them will probably learn to respect to that individual’s personal rules, but NTs seem to less adaptable to social change, particularly if it’s inconvenient to them.
Are there not rules that both autistic peeps and NTs have in common?
Definitely, but a lot of them exist for good reasons. I suppose I’m talking more about the seemingly arbitrary rules here.
In social groups composed entirely of autistic people, would another set of norms emerge that could get someone in the group scolded if they broke them, just like in the rest of society?
In my experience there just generally seem to be fewer “global” rules, but when rules are broken people get over it more quickly.
When a NT person upsets an autistic person because they broke a norm they weren’t familiar with, wouldn’t they also feel bad and try to remember not to do that in the future?
I guess this depends on the person, but that applies to everyone, not just NTs.
Do autistic people, as individuals, not have rules in their own head about how people should interact with them?
Autistic people generally have either far fewer than allistics or if they have some kind of social obsession potentially they have a whole world of rules of their own that even allistics will struggle with.
But yeah generally, in my own case: 1) Don’t be irrationally or sadistically mean.
That’s basically it. You can be irrational/strange around me and at most I’ll be surprised due it being unexpected and my “mask software” wont have a response to load and I’ll freeze up for a bit. You can even be mean if there is sufficient justification for it. Maybe I fucked up bad.
Now, “being mean” a fairly broad category and I have specific obsessive silos of topics I don’t want broken, but that’s on the basis of a “info hazard”. Mainly: discussions of poop or story spoilers. But if someone ends up breaking those “Rules” I don’t hold it against them because they could not have known that I have a severe aversion to both of those things, I just warn them and move on.
In social groups composed entirely of autistic people, would another set of norms emerge that could get someone in the group scolded if they broke them, just like in the rest of society?
Yes but they’d probably be documented, FAQ’d, etc. Autistic people would tell rule violators to RTFM.
When a NT person upsets an autistic person because they broke a norm they weren’t familiar with, wouldn’t they also feel bad and try to remember not to do that in the future?
If the autistic person got upset at the person for breaking a norm the allistic was unfamiliar with they’d be being unfair assuming there was no good reason for them to have known in the first place.
Some taboos exist for good reason and apply across the board. We don’t greet strangers by asking them how their genitals are feeling, for example (although that would be hilarious).
I unironically would be pretty comfortable in a society that did that. At worst I’d probably be confused by why this was the thing people asked about but if I encountered a society that did such and I learned that as a common greeting I’d settle in fine.
Thanks for the answers/breakdown!
When I was young (late 1970s), “How’s it hangin’?” was actually a common greeting. Not usually to strangers, granted, but pretty common.
That last line reminds me of Goku patting people’s genitals in DB to determine their gender lmao
I basically made masking a hyperfixation for a while, until I had a good enough grasp of NT social interaction that I could drop the mask more and more. Then I just came across as cool, confident, and interesting when I was doing my own thing. It’s kind of a “Learn the rules so you can break them” situation. NT conventions aren’t really all that complicated if you devote a bit of time to study. If you can steer your fixations at all, it’s worth the investment so you can get on with your life with fewer interruptions.
Well intentioned, often other “neurodivergent” people look at your life, your autism, and say: “you should mask harder.”
Yeah pretty much, right? But is any other advice possible?
“Here’s how to appear less autistic” is really the only usable piece of info when the problem is “I’m autistic and that’s never going to change but it sometimes causes problems”.
“Learn how to politely say Fuck you deal with it it’s definitely going to happen again” is the only other realistic option but that strategy is only effective in limited contexts.
I do generally notice that, though I don’t necessarily agree that trying to treat others well is masking versus just choosing polite conversation.
Where’s the line? I’m rude because I don’t pick up on social cues…that’s literally what I am diagnosed with.
“I think depressed people just need to be happier to avoid depression”
There is no objective line, but if your actions result in your friends getting hurt that is sad, and if your friends decide not to hang out with you because of the chances you’ll hurt them again that is a fair choice. You may choose not to put effort into understanding other people’s perspectives but this means most people with healthy boundaries will either get hurt at some point and leave, or recognize that is bound to happen and leave pre-emptively. So if you want friends that treat you right or a partner who isn’t miserable, then you will have to put effort into understanding other people’s perspectives.
Your friend was offended for a reason. People assume you care why or how to avoid it because that is a necessary part of any healthy friendship. If you do not care, then I hope your friend finds friends that do care so they, at least, can be happy. I also hope that you have friends and you are happy, but an unhealthy friendship does not make you happy and it barely counts as friendship anyway.
The situation really wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. I was just talking about how I was doing in a course and my friend got jealous because I am doing much better. I didn’t brag, just like “Oh I did great on the exam”
But apparently GPA and pay are two things you can never discuss with anyone….for some reason.
Learning how to pick up social cues in a rote way instead of an imitative way, essentially, is a treatment. I mean, I know it’s hard to pick up on norms and mores naturalistically with autism, and we should all be graceful and respectful of that as well. Just you know, if someone says something is rude or hurtful, that’s not an attack on your inability to judge that social situation by default…it is information. Even NT do impose expectations on other NT behavior across settings that is sometimes incomprehensible.
Specifically, that’s a Symptomatic treatment. It doesn’t fix autism or make you less autistic, but can sometimes help you meet life goals.
Don’t mask harder 🙅♂️
Mask smarter 👍
Lol sob 😭
“You need to learn to say no, because you are working well beyond your capacity and you need to take care of yourself”
Literally every time I say no it’s seen as the beginning of a negotiation. I’m not being vague either. “Here is some data. I don’t have time to review it with you today. Have a look and we’ll discuss next week.” Somehow that is interpreted as “Waltz into my office right now and ask about the data”
Or “I am not looking after that, go speak to (other engineer)” becomes 'Potato is handling it"
And like, these people are peers at best. They aren’t trying to politely tell me I’m not doing my job or something.
The absolute worst is “I’m going to need to sit with the info you gave me before I can respond” becomes them just repeating themselves or trying to tell me what my response might be. Or when I say “I actually can’t remember, but I can look it up” becomes them guessing. Not only have they completely ignored what I said to them, I’m now 100% checked out and every last drop of executive function is gone.
I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, “you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic.”
I don’t think of that as masking actually. NTs run into the “said something they shouldn’t have” error quite a lot… i think of that as just learning new social nuance. If social interactions are like kayaking in ooen water, this is the equivalent of bumping (gently) into a wall that was already there, but being given instructions to mask more is like them putting down barriers to reduce the amount of water you have available to maneuver in.
But I do think in your example that the best course would be for NTs to just be more aware of and accepting of ND saying things they consider weird. Would be the most efficient course of action and is more of a solution than “Add this to the mental list of things you can’t talk about!”
Yep, that’s why I only choose to hang out with other neurodivergent people or people who are willing to treat ND people’s needs as at least as important as their more toxic social norms.
Public interactions you have to conform to survive, but personal connections are your choice.
their more toxic social norms
I wouldn’t say politeness and tact are toxic.
What counts as “politeness” is meaningless. For example, it’s stupid that we aren’t “allowed” to discuss pay.
The problem is that the rules for being “polite” and “tactful” are seemingly arbitrary and impossible to understand.
I know there are facial expressions you are supposed to make in certain situations to make your words work as polite, but I cannot consistently figure out how to do it.
I’m sure this is an inappropriate question, but out of curiosity, are you a man or a woman?
I’m just always curious with this because women are typically diagnosed later or not at all because women figure out masking earlier and better.
I wonder if it’s purely self preservation on the part of women or if women are more explicit in social rules with one another?
As an autistic woman, it’s been self preservation for me. Other non autistic women have not been explicit about the rules. Quite the opposite lol.
I am a man.
I think I might be agender though. I find gender roles as confusing and arbitrary as all the other social rules.
i wouldnt say you know what youre talking about
That was toxic.
Help me understand.
What is not toxic to you:
- A person has a disability which makes task x difficult to perform.
- Everyone agrees that this person has this disability and that this disability makes it hard to perform task x
- If they try to perform task x they may not understand they are doing it incorrectly, again because of the disability that everyone agrees is real and this person has.
- no one is expected to create an environment where task x is made easier
- when this person fails at task x, it is treated as a moral failing
- inability to perform task x puts access to fundamental needs at risk
What is toxic:
- being told that you do not understand the experience that someone is trying to express
Is this accurate?
I think a lot of advice tends to be an explanation of a social rule, with the implication that following the rule (or “masking better”) is preferred. Sometimes the insistence that rules must be followed is more explicit, which I find aggravating because I don’t think social rules have to be followed, and there are many times where they should be broken. I think they’re similar to literary or grammatical rules in that it’s better to be aware of them and have a nuanced understanding of how people use them, so I can follow or break them more intentionally in conversation as my preferences dictate. For my money I’d rather people take the time to explain the rules they adhere to no matter how silly or damaging they are. At least then I can engage with the rule more tactically rather than being caught unaware when I accidentally break it.
